An Itinerary to Self-Acceptance

I was again probed by this enigma, ‘Have you ever had those days when you feel like nothing’s really wrong but nothing feels right either?’

I remember the days when I found myself flying in the skies of ambivalence, escaping from my self-created nuisance. Times when I had constant fears of the known and the unknown. My mind was troubled and there were collapse of emotions. There’s the fear on when the rough days will end, or fear if they will ever end. My fear of being misunderstood, judged, ungodly, or pointed as someone who’s shallow and inadequate. The fear of knowing the truth and not my truth. The intrusive thoughts were all in different directions and even spread like a wildfire. For all I know, we were in a plight that has also given me the chance to entertain not just what’s happening outside of this vicious world but also what’s eating me from the inside. Like many, I have had the heaviest battles and defeats during these trying times. Turbulence were inevitable. A flatline of motivation. I was on those occasions where I was going to wars I’m never going to win. I was battling between what I was feeling from what I should know.

Some people may be going through a lot but going through it. And we all deal with so many things through the challenging times. We deal with them during the most unexpected days. In the present phase of this life, we now all have our own shares of loss. Could have been something we regard and value highly, a plan or opportunity, a freedom we long waited for, or someone whom we had both our hands on but we lost grip of it, someone we dearly love. And last time I checked, I endured them all. But one thing I thought I’d never had a chance to bout was the time I knew everything was okay and unshakable but I was also completely losing myself.

It was sudden. I was unprepared. I was stirring up those piling twists of fate and my whole body feels slowing down. With one familiar story, similar to a pain I inflicted myself years ago. Those chills that went down my spine, sticking myself with spires, like part of my body was severed, but worse. That’s how deep my imagination and attachment of the past and the pain. That even when I look at myself in the mirror, I see no one, but can only tell and feel her suffering.

There were days when I hoped it will just go away when I blink or will stop when I shout. But I failed to remember, I only had a voiceless outcry. That no matter how I try to scream, no one can hear me. Or maybe, just maybe, nobody wants to listen to me.

In my consciousness, my mind creates so many different stories and starts to analyse each of them like a rabbit hole. I tried to ignore what was really happening but I was also listening to what my struggling voice was saying. I also tried to calm the storm but I missed to recognise the hurricane within that was more devastating. They say that sometimes, how things stand in our lives are not completely in our control but oftentimes they are also completely not out of our control – but I don’t know which one to shadow.

I have come to realise that I lost myself because I was cocooned from being fragile, repressed, incapable and easily frightened to becoming a glorious butterfly. I had no idea I could get confronted with so many conflicting emotions at once. I also lost the opportunity to trust myself, blamed and disowned my sense of worth because I was gaslighted by those people who speak the good and the god. The human beings that never stop painting themselves too loud with the image or portrait they want people to believe and see. But that’s their truth, and not the truth. These will often make you feel that they are the righteous ones and you’re severely misconstrued yet you choose to remain silent. But someone made me realise that it’s okay to feel pensive. To take a layover and think deeply about something that makes us inadequate. But we all have the choice to remain absorbed and dwell on our own grief and vulnerability or catch the earliest take off so we can quickly mend the broken pieces within ourselves, find the missing piece and become whole. It’s also okay to miss, overshoot chances and get lost sometimes. But don’t err on the travel plan, and that is to depart to reach and land the right destination. We have to remember that every single day is a chance for a new beginning. Every morning is an opportunity to be lifted, to be different, to feel magnificent.

To turn into a glorious butterfly, we must begin through our own metamorphosis. Fly on your own. Who do you trust? The answer is simple, yourself. Fly not to escape, but to wing and soar your battles. We can always join the society on the ride of life but we have to know that we can also become the pilots of our own voyages.

I have fully left my past identity behind and started to preach self-love and positivity. Finding my own self and accepting myself, every single detail or plot of my life story. Paid attention to the littlest part of me, including the ones I’m never proud of. I began to discipline my mind to always think positively, to always see the good in every situation. I embarked on forgetting those things which are behind and landed myself to things that are ahead. I will no longer be ashamed of my poor life decisions and imperfections, even my days of nothingness. I have stopped having the first instinct of always believing the worst in me but to always embrace confidence and faith in one’s self. Easier said than done but we often overlook that the weight we need to lose is not in our bodies or excess in our baggage. Our negative thoughts are the real burden and enemy.

Start by offloading them, let go of your fears, face your demons, and come out on the other side with your authentic intention to be the change you want to see. I stood and defied my weaknesses by understanding and accepting who I am, all because I choose to believe in myself and not because of what others want to see or want me to be. It’s the time where I had to own how great I am. The world is cruel and we must know that we are not alone. Look around and also cherish the best of this world can offer. Expect that people will still underrate and vilify us but I am now prepared to take them positively because I have changed my fears and anxiety to calmness and bravery.

We all spend a lifetime connecting the cords to achieve something we will finally be proud of and feel complete. But in the end, being true to one’s self is the only thing that fills the gap. We all once wandered through the dark and misty forest of our lives to truly get to know ourselves on the deepest levels, and even if it seems like there is no way out, to accept yourself and become whole does not come with terms and conditions. We can always, at any time, grant ourselves the stamp of self-love. A complete surrender to the infinite love from above will always lift us back up. I realised that I do not need a passport of self validation or permission to be me, all I need is my own pass to the gates where I will embrace my worth with complete acceptance of the past, to move forward and be myself ultimately. And that’s the best part of the journey.

Winner of the Pens&Pages Literary Festival 2021

A message to all people surviving and going through scourges of life. It is not possible to understand absolutely all the things that happen to us, but we must not lose hope or encouragement. Dear friend, whatever you’re going through, it’s temporary, have faith!

Man Made Orthodox

How’s your faith?

I’m so glad it’s pure and unyielding. But it’s okay if you think it’s just adequate or even hard to come by. Mine is not perfect but it’s well-founded and rock solid. It’s not something that I can talk about with passion or be very proud of but it is one thing that no one can overthrow and pass judgment on. God is my source of everything. It’s probably something we will both agree and pull together. Whatever I have, whoever I have become, wherever I may be, or no matter what perils and uphill battles I face, my faith is strong and God is my salvation.

One thing I have learned in this reality is that, we always aim to put God as the lifetime center of everything and make our relationship with Him unblemished – and oftentimes this is an enormous message we want to deliver, what we want people to see in us or what really matters. But how is our relationship with ourselves? Our family? Our brothers and sisters or different cultures? Our fellow living souls? Our union with God is what defines us most (for many I suppose). We become followers of Christ all the time or we may not be at all. At the very least, we are reflecting our sinful self rather than the glorified Christ we want to let shine in our lives because we forget that our walk with God is tied up in our relationship with others, anywhere we go.

Matthew 5:23-24

23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”

Our relationship with God has been well established but we must also keep in mind that our relationship with others reflects our walk with Jesus. The two are inseparable. We often times dwell on our affinity with God, alone, or at least we pretend it was, and envelope ourselves with God in our lives – sealed, a personal and private thing. Or perhaps public, as we seek validation. But let me share one wise saying that opened not just my ears and my eyes but to the reality of it all, ‘a person will not be accepted as a prophet by their congregation until they are accepted as a pastor first (someone who loves them)’. This reminds me that we cannot separate our neighbourhood – work – play – home life – church – and hobbies with our faith. They are all intertwined in the person we are and they reflect on the other parts of our person.

We feel whole and holy when we preach and speak God’s words or when we live a pastorlike way of life. I have so much respect to those who speak the word of God and never miss to study and read the Bible day after day. But what if this choice results to depreciation and belittling of someone’s faith? There comes religion without relationship. I define and relate this as a job, and not as a career. Isn’t our relationship with God define how we perceive those who God brings into our lives? We must realise that everyone else can connect to God in the same deeply meaningful way we do without forcing them to be one of us. Other than genuinely manifesting His image, our appreciation of their soul and well-being should encourage a relationship with God that is significant, selfless and sacrificial. When we value people for who they are and not what they do for us, we begin to see them as God does. It’s defined by mutual appreciation of the One who made us and not by losing them because of our self made interpretation, our literal way of translating our faith. When we start to lose people, it’s not always what they have done. Most of the time, it’s about what they didn’t do. You heard me say this several times. Once or twice, it’s because we failed to surrender ourselves. We didn’t submit ourselves to what they want us to believe or become. That’s the sad reality. But with that reality, it was something that I can’t just stuck it out.

Matthew 6:1 and 9-15.

“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.”

I have been awakened with this freedom from contamination. I have come to realise my worth and appreciate those who really regard me genuinely and not as an object of their ministry. I don’t read the Bible everyday. I’m a disgrace and my lack of attention is inexcusable. My faith may be silent and I’m not as good as others who talk and share about God’s words but I know I am not one of those people fueled by false confidence, egoistic attention and hypocrisy. People who let the crap out of them on what the eyes can see to receive or gain – ‘what you want them to see or know’ rather than becoming someone no one thought you could be. Not even you. Be someone who pays attention and not someone who seeks content and validation. We speak and write what praises nor gratifies people. We show what we choose people want to see. You can’t be a saint on one side of the world and half of this earth, you are ungodly bigot. You can’t say your relationship with God is ideal when you have a loose or uncommunicative relationship with your brothers, sisters, co-workers, neighbours or even your sons or daughters.

Being God’s daughter, created in His image can’t be taken away from me even if someone deems me unworthy or because I’m a Catholic and not a Born-Again Christian. Or their religion as ideal in the eyes of God and mine is not. Or mine’s unjustified. My faith did not falter and can’t be taken away just because someone treated me with prejudice, lack of decency and sees me as downright sin. Some people will always eye my intellect, my never ending goals and accomplishments useless, and worldly. I beg pardon if you’re not goal-driven and I desire for feather in somebody’s cap. I know that I always aim to acquire vast amounts of pursuits and knowledge, yet I still make the wrong choices and decisions in life but God has made me aware that “whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool”. I have this wisdom to know what’s best for me, humble wisdom that’s willing to help and be shared. Wisdom that comes from the ultimate source of wisdom, God himself. People may think that I have taken the wrong turn and decision but I have never turned my back to my ultimate source of strength, my God, my Saviour. I am a sinner but I’m not a pushover. I won’t let my faith and worth be defined by my religion or other people especially by their man made orthodox, inconsistent and selective self-proclaimed transfiguration. It’s defined by God, and He says I am special.

Half Truce

I always tell people that I have this trouble of being honest. But I’m not a good liar either. I was on a bad footing and I was on my last leg. You have all the reasons to hate me. You are allowed to say every hurtful words I deserve because maybe you are right that I can’t really recognise a good person. I can’t decode someone’s determination and desire to become the best version of themselves. This makes me a really bad person. Because my first instinct is to always believe the worst in people. I expect too much because I know what I need and it’s more than someone is willing to give.

You knew at first I was unsympathetic so don’t feel sorry if you put yourself on that imagination. Don’t feel bad if you can’t guard yourself to feel that way. I guess it’s rightful to say I’m the worst person you’ve ever met. I really can’t blame people to have that urge. But I’m not an enemy or someone who’s undesirable even though it might be a hell of a lot easier for you to see me that way rather than a person that I truly am.

You chose to trust me in spite of all my negligence and the undesirable things I’ve done. In defiance of being inadequate and too little to fight for what is worth. But maybe it’s time to realise, we all feel like there’s always something inside us that’s lacking or missing and if only we could find it, we’d finally feel whole. We have to face the truth that we can’t do that until we learn to look inside ourselves. But looking within is hard. It means seeing only not the good parts of ourselves but also the bad, the worst. It means recognising our weaknesses, our flaws, our wounds. Only then can we start to heal, to forgive and to let go.

Every single day is the chance for a new beginning. Every morning is an opportunity to be changed, to be different, to be magnificent. We all have the choice to stay mired in our own pain and mess or we can try mending the broken pieces inside ourselves. I have come to realise that we start to lose people because it’s not always of what we have done. Most of the time, it’s about what we didn’t do. But now, what I need to do is I shall allow myself to feel nothing for you to feel surpassing. I have to feel nothing because it’s the only compromise left. So please, let it go now. All the pain, remorse and self-condemnation. I will just enduringly imprison myself from all the hatred and unjust treatment. Cause that’s the least that I owe you. I will spend the rest of my life carrying the weight of all the pain I have caused you.

The Relapse

I had my share of loss. But I think no one should lose as much as what I have lost. It’s like getting blood out of a stone. Enough to drive you up the wall. I hope I can protect myself from losing anymore. But it’s happening again. I’m losing myself. And there’s nothing I can do to stop this from happening. But the best thing for me to do is to prepare and give myself a fair warning so it will no longer be a surprise. So it will not be damaging. My head is so physically and mentally defeated that it’s about to blow up. Why do I always try to make sense out of things that don’t make sense? It’s my fault. I’m not saying this because I think I’m supposed to say it. I’m saying this, all the time so that maybe, I start to believe it. Feel bad to myself. And so others will feel better. So I’ll say it again, it’s my fault. I don’t know how to bite my tongue anymore. I’m dragging myself in my own loop trap. I’m scared, drained and pushed myself too far. Enough in fighting this losing battle.

I have been having coming out flashbacks. I can’t surmount my panic attacks. Courage, please don’t you dare fail me now. I thought it could go all away when I blink. I thought it will disappear when I shout. But I’m suffocating, gasping for air. I failed to recall that I only have a voiceless outcry. That no matter how I try to yell out, they’ll never hear me. And so I’m begging you to stop grappling my wrist, stop pulling my weakening bones. It’s physically unyielding and hurting me. Please put an end from choosing me as target for your rage when I say something that does not favour your will. I beg you to stay away from attacking my weaknesses, my personal imperfections and vulnerability. I will likely suffer. Because you know I can’t defend myself and won’t get off my feet. I will only see the glass half empty. Significant in the degree of hopelessness and desperation. I can’t breathe. I heard the voice and it was instant. The chill went down my spine. Stirring up my memories when my whole body feels broken. Like sticking myself with needles. It’s devastation. It was like part of my body has been taken, but worse. I see myself suffering the same pain I inflicted to myself years ago. That’s how deep my understanding of the past and the pain. And every time I look at myself now, I feel her pain as my pain. Her suffering is my suffering. And until I admit that I’m losing myself, I’m not gonna be able to move past this idea and obsession and the need to hurt that I can’t stop feeling.

Try. Begin. Two words, the most important words I have heard today. Sounds simple, typical. Uncomplicated but how did I fail to notice or hear this? Somebody said, whoever can’t hear or see must feel. Don’t tell that to me. Because in order for you to do that, you must first have feelings. I’ve lost greater part of that. I have nothing left but pain. I failed. They said you can try and then fail but it doesn’t mean you must stop. But you can try, fail and begin to try again. Never take a single breath for granted. Someone is trying to give me hope. Something I haven’t had for a long time. But I’m trying to know who he really is. I wish I knew who it was. Yet I’m also scared to know the answer. Now that’s my problem. When will I stop fearing? When will I be free from bricking myself, from being anxious, and frightened? Why am I so scared of everything and the anonymous?

I know that you’ve been alone for much of your life and that’s why you needed me so much but sometimes it’s just too much. But it’s too much for me sometimes, too. You needing me. And it’s the only reason of that obsession. The only reason why you can’t just leave me. But you insist we’ve always needed each other, me finding my way back to you in the end and that’s what our entire bond has been about. But I think our relationship has been all about apology. You could have just said you’re sorry. But you’re always trying to pull me into your life. Seeing myself like this can really mess with my head, sending myself to some dark place but you can’t go there. It doesn’t help. So when I get that urge to hate myself or hate my life, I just got to bury it. I don’t get my hopes up.

Think of all the pain that could have avoided if you had just let me go. I’m saying this because I think I’m supposed to say it but I don’t really mean it. I don’t regret it.

I can love you and still decide you are not for me.

The Troubled Hands in my Feeble Hands

I have made choices and decisions I’m not proud of. I have lost tiny of self-love and cared too much of every circumstances rather than what’s white-headed. I ripped myself to keep others whole. I gave everything and left nothing but self pity. I denied and mistrusted what other people are willing to renounce for my own sake of unworthy self-sacrifice. I can’t go back. I have lived to this ideal of what someone should be and push them away when they turn out to be something different. But the truth is, no one could ever live up to that ideal. I have said this to myself many times. My heart is sympathetic and soft. I forgive with a free hand and without reservation. Even those who have shattered me, intentionally or unintentionally. Including those who have done it numerous times, I bury the hatchet and feel no resentment towards them. My doors are never closed. Without pretence, I welcome people back in my life and fix what’s broken even the things that are beyond repair. In all honesty, my best-loved declaration of faith from someone else’s tongue is when I hear them say, “let’s talk..” Precisely. A bit much for others, worrisome and gut wrenching for many. Some would think it’s good for nothing. But for me, this is a compelling appeal, quintessential and bread and butter to secure amity and sometimes, reconciliation.

Very recently, I have this missing a puzzle piece. Which I knew I can always complete easily or fix unmistakably. Questions came out of my troubled mind. Now that the rain has finally fallen, am I now in control of the possibilities and outcomes that constitute of being free from any afflictions, empty promises and letdowns? Could this be a time to give myself of a very worthy chance from the things I have previously neglected my self with? A chance to grasp every moment with butterflies and heartbeat and not with fear or anticipation of failure? To voluntarily embrace a new fate and a situation favouring a purpose for myself and not only for others? To unguard the door I have been keeping closed from someone’s right of entry?

I unexpectedly heard a knock at the door. The door that I have always kept locked, where no one is capable of infiltrating but me. Built with the highest walls to protect myself from any unwarranted entry of this hostile territory. I stood closely and strangely felt the same distinctive atmosphere I had 4 or 5 years ago. I was scared to unlock it but my hands were hopeful, but at the same time, rebellious and has given up to a resisting control. There was this light, gentle wind that draws into my face but my eyes were blinded by an earnest gaze. It was a rare but troubled sight. The anonymity began to subside but we both didn’t know when and how to begin.

The moment of deliberation came when you said ‘’hi” and it sounded very lowly and uncomplicated. My mind cruises with doubts and questions, bubbles of confusion but I started to become wordless and lip-tied. Deep down inside, there was one question I wanted to ask. Just one question. If you remember the last time I asked you to wipe your hands after you shut the same door you are about to set foot in. That didn’t happen. Because you also became voiceless and standstill but you immediately wanted to show me your hands after you read my mind. The bloody hands that used to wrap me in my defense but with strong inward desire. The hands that pulled me without deterrence. The hands that stained me.

I still can’t say anything but I knew that this was something familiar but you said it’s totally not the same this time. You asked me nothing but to trust you. But you know that trust for me is like a beautifully-knit sweater. Pull one loose thread and the entire sweater is likely to untangle, rapidly. And it’s difficult to put the threads back.

I was in disarray but a quick vivid recurrence in my mind of a past event came. The day when I had to choose between what was easy and what was right. And I was left to choose with what was right. It was hard and heavy. I had to start learning and choosing to love the sea where I could reel freely and without being rescued instead of choosing to flee in a field of weeds. I had to stop breathing the same air you breathe. It was devastating. It’s my fault. I put myself on that situation when I should have not. The air that was too shallow, enough to suffocate and desolate me. I had to step away from the same surfaces you move in. I made a choice to settle on what was right. But it’s destroying me.

I have put everything down to experience but today, your eyes are suddenly begging me to choose what is easy. That your hands will be in between mine and will no longer have to be concealed for protection but will now be free from judgments and convicting eyes. You wanted to show me that the sky is now boundless, clear and untroubled. Enough for me enjoy a freedom that is not subject to the control and domination of others. Enough for me to know that I will no longer be a seed of weed but a seed that will be sowed with hopes and wishes. I should know that you’re trying to play with me and get into my head again. I’m taken by surprise when you said you do really know me. But you don’t really know everything about me. I know myself more than you know me. You call me a teller of lies. Yes, that’s true. I can’t deny. Doors may be open and I could let someone in but my doubts and apprehensions of accepting a soul to stay with me for the rest of my life is still with me inside without fail. I have lied to myself. And I’m sorry for being dishonest to other people too. The fear is contained in me that even if I say it’s time, I guess I just love the idea of it.

My hands were like acids, ionising only slightly in solution of your enduring cold, sweaty palms. Mine was shaky, yours were steady. I am scared that you will slowly make me cling onto something that will be hard again for me to let go. But how can I be so sure that it’s not the same hands that stained me? How can I trust that these are the hands that will no longer let my feeble hands cusp and blow the dandelion I have nurtured? What are the chances that the blemishes in my hands will not be replaced with blood? I’m in big trouble. I’m crying for help from the inside. I’m drowning. Can somebody please save me? Again, I’m sorry, I lied to myself. They are all tired. Story of my life.

I guess that’s the horror of it. I’m always attracted to things that are uncertain and cloudy. And when I cry for help, no one will ever listen. I give everything I have. I am always left with nothing. I’m not complaining, I’m okay with that. No matter how I have always painted my door in white. Even if I have always covered and guarded my hands from cuts and debauches. My hands are frail but can become submissive. Or maybe my hands are also bloody but I was just trying to conceal it. But you said it’s going to be washed and cleaned by your untroubled hands this time. And you withstand any scrutiny and only want my acceptance, willing to wait, willing to go wherever I decide. That you are now bringing yourself back to an uncomplicated life. I wish all people have this frame of thinking. But what if what’s ahead of me is even more terrifying than what I have been through?

The door is open but I am standing right in front of you. My hands are feeble and my mind can easily command and control these hands to push the button. Yes, it’s just one button away to open or ultimately close my guarded door to you. Long ago, I chose what was right. And then I chose what was easy. But can I choose both now? I hope I just love the idea about you. But beyond everything, if people can’t hear me, I hope I can hear myself and save my own from someone who keeps breaking into my breathing space. Otherwise, this chaos remains. I’m not gonna find my way out of this unending maze.

God’s Time is Always Perfect

When the time is right, I the Lord will make it happen. Isaiah 60:20

It is brief but there’s so much meaning we can develop and translate in this verse. We can make our own train of thoughts or personal interpretation based on our own experiences or current circumstances. But God is telling us that His timing is never early, never late, it will always be perfect, even when our trust in it is not.

I didn’t prepare myself to write something this wee hours. As a matter of fact, never have I always planned to pen my thoughts. But as I see it, God is always and once again fueled me with wisdom and the Holy Spirit influenced me to administer the words of God through my hands. He always makes things come to pass. He knows when time is always right. And today, while I decide to calm my eyes and inner self gazing at the dark sky, doubtful yet hopeful that rain won’t fall hard again, a message remarkably made into my phone notes and found itself calling my attention through an unexpected notification. I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t even recall putting or writing the message there. God is conversing with me once again. I find this so heart-stirring and intimate. That me and God is inseparable. And I will long for more intimacy and thirst for His words even more. A short message but of great significance and high spirits. Not my time. I want God’s. But when do we know if the time is right? When do we know if God will make things happen?

While we are in a challenging time, all of us just want this to be over as soon as possible. Like a bullet out of a gun. Or we can hope that when we wake up tomorrow, everything was just an unpleasant dream. If it doesn’t happen overnight, perhaps the same point in time when I’m awakened and finally realised that I’m no longer scared and hurting. It may progress slowly but it does happen in God’s time. Things will get better but it’s not instant and it’s not a straight line. But sometimes, the last thing we would ever want to do is waiting. We lose patience and dismiss to wait in anticipation for something to happen or occur. And I have said many times how I accepted defeat and abandoned my hopes because I got tired of waiting. I was so tired of hoping and anticipating of getting an answer. Like why would I even wait when some people are too quick and easy to give up on me? I felt discouraged to deny or be denied because I had misgivings of God’s timing. For all that I didn’t get what I prayed and asked, I just rebuke that God doesn’t love or care about me. I felt like my time is never synched or coincident with God’s time. I have been hard-pressing myself of dwelling when will I get an answer or if I will even get an answer. I questioned God when will He allow me forget the past and move on with the future. If when will God stop the rain from falling so I could start running to see if that person is still waiting for me at the river crossing. I doubted God if he will allow me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I faltered God’s plans to help me overcome my negative thoughts especially fear, anxiety, resentment, and grief. But God didn’t disappoint, He didn’t fail me. Because undoubtedly, when the time is right and we trust Him, the Lord will make it happen.

Habakkuk 2:3 “For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” Just because something is not taking place, doesn’t mean it will never happen. If things have stopped, it doesn’t mean it’s the end. If they pushed you away, someday, somehow, someone will catch or lay hands on you. We tend to feel that our prayers and cries are not being heard by God because we are not seeing an immediate change in our relationships and existing conditions. We feel that our expectations are not being met. We set the bar high and we fail to see the efforts of others because we seek for sudden transformation and conversion. This oftentimes breaks our connection and covenant with God. We forget that we should always put our trust in Him. And not to fall back on our own intentions and on what other people say. Remember His way, His will, His time. God never turns his back or leaves us high and dry when times seem to stand still. He has not let us stay on a point of struggle or the possibility of not winning but rather God is staging us in the present so we may prepare ourselves for the upcoming season. Not a chance that God never hears what our hearts desire. Not in the slightest opportunity that God is not aware of our needs. Trust me, He always does. He knows and hears everything. I don’t know exactly how or when but there’s only one thing I am sure of, God always stays true to His Word. And I can give you a collection of never ending testimonies how God’s timing has always gone unfailing and perfect.

God is patient with us and in return we should be patient with Him and to others. It is always easy to compare ourselves to others why they are being noticed by God but not us. That God hears their cries but not ours. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”. God never promised that our lives on earth will be easy. He never said that our mission and journey will be unchallenging and easily done. But he reminded us that there is time and season for everything. God also teaches us to wait quietly not just to wait patiently. And oftentimes, it is even more difficult to wait quietly than to wait patiently. Even a good and loving relationship requires a degree of patience and understanding. It’s bound to not easily give up with one another. When we patiently wait for God’s promises, we will definitely get fulfilled and rewarded. When we seek Him with a quieted soul, we can hear the whispers of His goodness around us. The Lord has boldly spoken, when the time is right, I will make it happen. If you find yourself today not liking the situation you are in or where certain events in your life have taken you, I encourage you to dive into the Scriptures and let God do the talking. The only way we can trust in God’s timing is through spending more time with Him, allowing His word to shape our hearts and to bend our knees before Him.

Fear Not, God is With Us

I’ve just lost another battle. I became another person who’s strength came up short, frightened and started to feel worthless. Presumably the way I live my life inevitably. Even the strongest people aren’t immune to fears and anxieties. It may be typical to occasionally have intrusive thoughts especially in these trying times. Or when you’re trapped in a situation you would least want to happen and you stop breathing for a short while. Times when the world is not even confident of what lies ahead. So much disturbances and crises happening – pandemic, natural disasters, racism and violence, crimes, terrorism, economic uncertainties, unemployment, conflicts and misunderstandings, divisions, death. We made a cruel world. There’s now too little kindness. Too little caring. Too much hate, anger, hurt and fear. A shedload of second thoughts. We fear for our safety, we fear for our future, our children’s future, fear for our families, fear for our financial stability, we even fear of what other people think, we fear of being judged and misunderstood, we fear for tomorrow. And the list goes on.

The likelihood of worrying of something that has not happened and spending so much time assuming or thinking about highs and lows, ifs and buts, habitual skepticism and fear of the unknown is the real enemy. It’s the most popular weapon of the demon. We even see the tests and trials differently as God’s punitive measures. But how many times did we easily worry and abandon our faith on his promises and give up on God’s favours? How hard is it to stay fearless and fight for the things and even the people we care about? Have we forgotten that God puts and shapes his servants through trials? We have always wanted our lives to glorify God but there is something we have missed. When God used people to show his power, did he use comfort or trials? The answer is trials—God’s most used tool. And so why do we become so worried and troubled to face and conquer the trials. Why do we even choose to endure them on our own? We should believe that we must never question God’s plans. But we have forgotten that we can always pray and ask for God’s support, guidance and most of all, forgiveness. He can come in between and keep the chain firm and impenetrable. But oftentimes, we give up just like that. We stop and quit holding onto God’s blessings. If we want to be used by God for his glory, we must be prepared for trials. I have to admit, there have been times I was attacked by the dickens. When I feel all alone for the most part. I became frail and easily damaged. The prince of darkness has won against my silent outcry of God’s presence. I should have known myself better. I should have committed to his plans and will. I should have trusted what God can do. I should have been unfailing that with faith, not only does God not want me to worry, but He wants me to put my worries onto Him to deal with. He will take that burden away from me. No earthly troubles can hurt me because God is always with me.

Isaiah has reminded me that we might feel afraid, but we must believe that God is with us – 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. We may not be in control, but we can trust the One who is. – 14:24 “The Lord of hosts has sworn: “As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand.” We may not know what the future brings, but we can know the God who does. – 45:7 “I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things.”

In times that we feel afraid, some turn to music, recreation or books as sources of inclination to escape from routine or emotional difficulties but let us not forget that we can always turn to God and the Scripture. In fact, if we put in our hearts and mind that we can always depend on God whenever we’re attacked by the enemy, we are winning. It’s an instant triumph over the attacker. Let’s focus on the positive things around us. Let’s listen to positive thoughts and not with the whisper of the demons. Let’s look forward to better days that’s coming. Let’s keep the faith in God’s promises. Pray out loud. There’s nothing prayer can deliver. There’s nothing more powerful than the Scripture. There is power through them because they are God’s words. His words are forever and permanent, it will withstand the test of time. It will calm our spirits. It will cleanse, nourish and guide us through our days. God is here to remind us that we are never alone, and that anxiety will not last forever. Anxiety and fear will never win against Him. 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” For as much as we worry, we’re not actually built for it. God wants us to love ourselves and fear not.

The Rain Has Fallen

I love rain.

I even count the days until rainy season gracefully comes forth. There’s melancholy and solitude whenever I hear the rhythm of the falling rain and thunder. I have always found the rain very calming. The coldness it fulfills gives me a play of emotions and a look back when my mom used to snuggle my tiny flesh when I was little. The smell of the rain yields a connection how the grounds or dry lands has long-desired what the heavens has sent. God sends rain as part of his blessing to all people. It’s a common grace and goodness, both for the saved and the unsaved. As written in Psalm 147:8, ‘He covers the heavens with clouds; he prepares rain for the earth; he makes grass grow on the hills.’ It is God who causes to rain or not to rain. It is God who set the heavens in place, it is God who causes the mountain to grow grass. God is in control of everything. The rain is the love of sky for earth. They don’t meet face to face but sends genuine love this way. I also relish watching how a raindrop clings to a weak leaf and eventually slips downward, takes a fall because the leaf can no longer uphold the droplet. It’s like an expression of trust and courage. A strength to carry on in spite of danger. Whenever rain comes, I let the rain kiss me. I allow it to tap upon my head with silver liquid drops. It’s God-given. It makes me feel good inside.

But time and again, rain amounts to being sullen. Our lives may become cloudy and we battle with inner disturbances. There are days when we experience darkness. We become thin papers that tears and breaks after we’re soaked and washed away. And then we get stale and we deteriorate. Oftentimes, we see rain as an upcoming storm. It can be gruesome. Too much, we drown. To little, we thirst. It also represents a sense of foreboding, exemplifying human tears. In essence, it is the also the heavens that allow us to experience this, it delivers us to trials. We go through mental and emotional torment or feeling of resentment. Jeremiah 14:22 tells us, ‘Do any of the worthless idols of the nations bring rain? Do the skies themselves send down showers? No, it is you, Lord our God. Therefore our hope is in you, for you are the one who does all this.’ God sends rain but still reminds us to see his grace and set our eyes to the good even during darkness and trials. He uses trials for His glory and uses rain for us to grow.

The sterling drops of rain implies how the sky has first turned dark before a downpour of clear waters. But the rain is the only way to get dark clouds to go away. It’s a perfect manifestation that we should keep moving, to turn over a new leaf and blossom in time. It is God’s testimony that hopes are in full bloom. As the wise saying goes, April showers bring May flowers. And Leviticus 26:4 says, ‘I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees their fruit.’ Rain is referred to as a blessing after a drought. It reminds me of the moment I asked God to help me grow. And then it started raining.

I used to love rain.

I thought I couldn’t unlove you. But it has finally come to an end after a weighty awakening and ample opportunities of waiting. The rain has washed away the thoughts inside. I will now just be, I used to love the rain. Not because I no longer long for God’s blessings but I will start living through all His favour, grace and protection. Acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable is now bending forward. I harbour prejudice with the warmth of the sun but things have changed. The sun rises everyday and this time, I promise to lay my eyes on it and accept gladly the golden rays it brings. The rain that I used to ardently await will now be reversed into something that I now despise to anticipate. I will now stop longing for the rain to come. The euphony of the rain and thunder shall now be disconnected and separated from everything I used to imagine. Rain now makes me fear the future and even brings irrational anguish. I used to look upon the rain as the bravest thing God has ever created. They aren’t afraid to fall. But nothing feels braver if you aren’t afraid of anything as God is with us always. My love and resemblance with the rain has finally come to an end. You are not brave if you’re scared of what tomorrow brings. I shall welcome and accept new trials and fighting chances because God will walk with me unfailingly. There were times when I earnestly pray and yearn for someone or something to a great degree. Days and opportunities that I say no to end. Yet again, if truth be told, things will now be different. I will finally stop building castles in the air. I used to love it. I used to cherish every amount of time until my eyes are opened, I have been unfavourably holding on to undivided purpose and missing the whole idea of what the warmth of the sun also brings.

I am not looking forward for the rain to fall again. I will chase for unfamiliar things to count on and give myself of what I genuinely deserve. The chances were amenable but they were abandoned and were given little to no attention. I guess that’s my inescapable fate. I have lost hope. Tiny raindrops didn’t fall from the sky, but it has fallen from my eyes. God keeps track of all my tears. And has collected them in His bottle, as written Psalm 56:8. But I am convinced that there are still plenty of others that it’ll fulfill happiness and euphoria when the rain is around. That’s of greater importance to me now. I will be constantly filled with gratitude for all the wonderful days you left me. In days gone by, when the rain comes I come out happily and play under. But things being what they are, I now stop and run for shade. I’m seated at this moment watching the rain that has fallen. But I’m no longer euphoric. I’m no longer burning with excitement. I’m longing for the the sun to come out and the rain to stop. I have lost the soft spot and extreme yearning for the rain to come again. The sun after the rain is much beautiful than the sun before the rain. It will now be down the memory lane. Hopes that the sun will always come out. The nicest thing about the rain is that it always stops. Eventually.

You’ve been a rainbow. Thank you for the great days and the times you made my heart and life meaningful and colourful.

2 Samuel 23:4 ‘And he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun rises, even a morning without clouds; as the tender grass springing out of the earth by clear shining after rain.’

My Journey to the Living Word of God

Many times in our lives, we throw the towel in or just pour cold waters on the things that are not working out as planned. We face heaps of hopelessness and impatience one after the other. There are unshakable peaks and valleys. We see no light at the end of the tunnel. So we end up losing faith. The same story when I started to read the Bible. I fervently tried but I didn’t know where and how to begin so I almost closed the door prematurely. Nearly but not entirely. I was at the brink of halting the doorway without even contemplating that I’m shutting down God who was humbly knocking His way to my heart. Manna from heaven, I didn’t find compelling reasons to give up, thus my journey isn’t over yet. I received the unrestricted freedom from doubting myself and to believe in God’s purpose.

This is similar when we fail to keep in mind that God is only working on so many diversions when we appeal something to him. But it’s not an avoidance or abandonment, He’s enabling us to remain hopeful, to branch out and grow. It’s the works of God. In John 13:7 Jesus replied, “You do not realise now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” In reality, things are just happening behind the scenes but we selectively refuse to trust his timing and process. That’s God’s plot twist. Even though everything seems like it’s falling apart, it is actually falling into place. Yet we fail to remain forbearing and we lose ourselves on the right direction and slip away. We deny to see that we can get past through this. I have been there for the most parts of my life. I was too busy worrying about nothing.

This is the story behind my love-hate relationship with the Bible. To clear my conscience, I do not or did not hate the Bible. I hated myself. In my attempt to start reading the Scripture, I can sometimes be so familiar with the words on the page that I read, but I didn’t really understand 8 out of 10 parts of it, truth be told. Forgive me, Father for being weak-minded on this matter. I immediately felt a disappointing and frustrating beginning. I thought I will never be optimistic. I could read it but it will never make sense. I will not get the message. But let me try to add a bit of faith on my self potential. For there was one thing I wasn’t doubtful – the Gospels Matthew, Mark, Luke and John focus on the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. Right? They all have unique emphasis and concentration on the life of Jesus. If I was right, I am owing someone a debt of gratitude for giving and keeping this ideology back in my school days. At the very least, becoming familiar with some parts of the Bible gives me the building blocks to know him in a deeper way.

I also learned that the Bible teaches us to know God and His will for our lives. However, there is a huge difference between knowing about God and personally knowing God. Everyone knows God. And I am one of those who’s personally longing to know more about God. The challenge was, the Bible is not like any other books I have read. Reading the Bible isn’t necessarily meant to be read from front to back. From book of Genesis to the book of Revelation. When you get right down to it, the Bible is real life library. An open space in a peaceful world. Many of the books or parts of the Bible are written in a variety of different genres or types of literature like poetry, prophecy or historical narrative. I have come to learn that trying to read straight through without a careful plan can become so frustrating and intimidating because I didn’t know how these books and their literary genres work together.

One verse of Jeremiah was my revelation and eye opener of deeply knowing the Bible. Jeremiah 29:11 has reminded me of God’s precious promise, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. There is no better way to show our trust in God than to believe that He is control of everything and moreover, He has good things in store. Be still and know that you have God. But we must learn that this verse should not be taken completely out of context. Perhaps one of the most loved verses, yet the most misunderstood and misapplied in the entire Scripture. Fundamentally, one reason why I felt that the Bible can sometimes become quite complicated and overwhelming. The verse is not meant as a blanket promise of worldly blessing. It is a perfect example of a prophecy where we first need to understand who God is talking to. As I try to learn and fully get the picture of what the scripture says, I am comforted that this passage is not directed to me alone – it’s for the entire nation.

In Psalm 119:11 “I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” Presumably a good proclamation how my journey began to ignite. Even if my heart has been wounded and afflicted in so many ways, I will forever treasure God’s words in this chamber that’s made to last. Bear in mind that knowing God’s word is not just for the sake of doing it. The living word is active in the lives of those who receive it. But be doers of the word, and not hearers only. If we keep the Word of God in our hearts, we build a safekeeping vault of powerful weapons to defend against temptations, the flesh and the world. I understand that it takes time and prayerful attention to observe correct biblical interpretation and application. And I know my journey has just started so I always ask and pray to God to teach and guide me so that I will become even more faithful in following Him. It’s a long way to go. I know I am still making my way through the Scripture. But here and now, I’m glad that I didn’t close doors and I kept it open so that others can come with me too. I’m grateful I remained thirsty, patient and willing to discover the grace, salvation, and wisdom that only come from immersing myself in God’s Word. This journey is by far the best journeys I have chosen to take. Please make it yours too.

Matthew 4:4 “For man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds out through the mouth of God.”

Faith in God’s Promises

There is intimacy from this disquieting and oppressive thoughts whenever I keep myself within the spaces of this balcony. I stare at the slightest street lights. I dismiss the minimal noise around me. I am blinded by this darkness but I feel like a little child counting the visible stars in awe. Breathing just the right amount of air as a sign of ease. And the rare cold breeze makes its way through my delicate skin. Just like the lack of warmth of normal human emotion I once felt. I am so alone so I have silently drawn the image of God in the vast sky so we can have a moment of intimate conversation.

I chose to talk to God because he’s the God that always listens. He’d never judge. He understands me. Pays attention even to the littlest interesting parts of me. He cares about me, he cares how I feel. He knows what my heart desires and deserves. He makes me feel I am worthy of every chance. And I know he is so proud of me. Even if I don’t deserve all of this because of my countless imperfections. He is the only one who will always stay right next to me. He will never abandon me. He will never permit that I’ll be separated from him. Only God makes me believe that it’s not the end of everything but a start of a beautiful something. There are hopes and promises. No matter what plagues or adversities we face upon. God is also giving. He will not let me choose only one when there’s two beautiful things. He will not let me give one up but cherish them both. Even if the other has indignity as they are both blessings. Anything from God is a blessing so we shouldn’t lose grip on one as well as the other. This gives me hope as high as the endless heavens I am gazing. It’s enough that my hopes are oftentimes high and invisible but He makes it abundant and reachable.

God has likewise sent his angels to save me. These are the people who have made so much effort to stay and always right there for me especially when life turns upside down. Days when I had no one, when I had nothing. When the world was grim and I was filled with fear. Nights when I sporadically wake up from bed gasping because I have dreamt of another sudden tragic occurrence or extreme misfortune but I have nobody to call. Those gloomy and rainy days and I began hearing loud rumbling with sudden bolt of the heavens that always leaves me shaking like a leaf. When I was feeling disturbed with uncertainty and mentally troubled about what is happening or what might happen. When I was suffocating from the inside and felt it’s the end of me.

He reminded me that there are people willing to help as long as I’m willing to accept them. Even if I’m not that person they knew I was. I only need to open my eyes and ears. People who did not pay more attention to others’ opinions but on the covenant and fellowship that we have established. So I should stop keeping things to myself and let my head be free from anguish. They’ve been patiently waiting to hear from me, patiently waiting to help me while I’m at the verge of disowning myself. That I need not to do this on my own because I have them since the beginning. I should take time to look at my surroundings. To slow down and pause for a moment, notice that there are eager people around me. Willing to stay and listen without second thoughts and skepticism, come what may. Willing to move mountains. Even willing to carry this oppressive and worrisome weight that I’ve been self-absorbing. Willing to change my fears and anxiety to calmness and bravery.

Forgive me, Father. For once, twice or maybe most of my life, I missed to pray. For many times I forgot to call your name. I’m on my knees earnestly asking you to redeem me. Even if I am not worthy to receive you. I’m sorry as I’ve been so detached and distrustful to your promises because I was affected by my own grievances. I was eaten and weakened by my worries and fears. I have ignored people who have been so determined to listen and endure something difficult for me. Yet I was so unwilling to discern and be persuaded. I want to reconcile and make amends for my lack of consideration and transgressions. I will make sure to give you and your angels the greatest concern in return. I will open my doors to chances I didn’t embrace and will make our relationships better. I will reach out and start apologising for being too guarded and too frightened of those favourable consequences. I will have nothing but pure and enduring faith in your promises.

Please take my hand because I will walk with you from this day on. I will stop counting myself to be apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I will open my ears and fill my soul with your spoken words. My eyes shall be opened not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. Seek for your grace and draw myself near not through physical influence but through faith so I may receive mercy and may find grace to help in times of need. I will see your hands in all of your works and in all of those you have made in your image. Because in your mercy, you drive away my fears. In your love, you wipe away my tears.