Half Truce

I always tell people that I have this trouble of being honest. But I’m not a good liar either. I was on a bad footing and I was on my last leg. You have all the reasons to hate me. You are allowed to say every hurtful words I deserve because maybe you are right that I can’t really recognise a good person. I can’t decode someone’s determination and desire to become the best version of themselves. This makes me a really bad person. Because my first instinct is to always believe the worst in people. I expect too much because I know what I need and it’s more than someone is willing to give.

You knew at first I was unsympathetic so don’t feel sorry if you put yourself on that imagination. Don’t feel bad if you can’t guard yourself to feel that way. I guess it’s rightful to say I’m the worst person you’ve ever met. I really can’t blame people to have that urge. But I’m not an enemy or someone who’s undesirable even though it might be a hell of a lot easier for you to see me that way rather than a person that I truly am.

You chose to trust me in spite of all my negligence and the undesirable things I’ve done. In defiance of being inadequate and too little to fight for what is worth. But maybe it’s time to realise, we all feel like there’s always something inside us that’s lacking or missing and if only we could find it, we’d finally feel whole. We have to face the truth that we can’t do that until we learn to look inside ourselves. But looking within is hard. It means seeing only not the good parts of ourselves but also the bad, the worst. It means recognising our weaknesses, our flaws, our wounds. Only then can we start to heal, to forgive and to let go.

Every single day is the chance for a new beginning. Every morning is an opportunity to be changed, to be different, to be magnificent. We all have the choice to stay mired in our own pain and mess or we can try mending the broken pieces inside ourselves. I have come to realise that we start to lose people because it’s not always of what we have done. Most of the time, it’s about what we didn’t do. But now, what I need to do is I shall allow myself to feel nothing for you to feel surpassing. I have to feel nothing because it’s the only compromise left. So please, let it go now. All the pain, remorse and self-condemnation. I will just enduringly imprison myself from all the hatred and unjust treatment. Cause that’s the least that I owe you. I will spend the rest of my life carrying the weight of all the pain I have caused you.