An Itinerary to Self-Acceptance

I was again probed by this enigma, ‘Have you ever had those days when you feel like nothing’s really wrong but nothing feels right either?’

I remember the days when I found myself flying in the skies of ambivalence, escaping from my self-created nuisance. Times when I had constant fears of the known and the unknown. My mind was troubled and there were collapse of emotions. There’s the fear on when the rough days will end, or fear if they will ever end. My fear of being misunderstood, judged, ungodly, or pointed as someone who’s shallow and inadequate. The fear of knowing the truth and not my truth. The intrusive thoughts were all in different directions and even spread like a wildfire. For all I know, we were in a plight that has also given me the chance to entertain not just what’s happening outside of this vicious world but also what’s eating me from the inside. Like many, I have had the heaviest battles and defeats during these trying times. Turbulence were inevitable. A flatline of motivation. I was on those occasions where I was going to wars I’m never going to win. I was battling between what I was feeling from what I should know.

Some people may be going through a lot but going through it. And we all deal with so many things through the challenging times. We deal with them during the most unexpected days. In the present phase of this life, we now all have our own shares of loss. Could have been something we regard and value highly, a plan or opportunity, a freedom we long waited for, or someone whom we had both our hands on but we lost grip of it, someone we dearly love. And last time I checked, I endured them all. But one thing I thought I’d never had a chance to bout was the time I knew everything was okay and unshakable but I was also completely losing myself.

It was sudden. I was unprepared. I was stirring up those piling twists of fate and my whole body feels slowing down. With one familiar story, similar to a pain I inflicted myself years ago. Those chills that went down my spine, sticking myself with spires, like part of my body was severed, but worse. That’s how deep my imagination and attachment of the past and the pain. That even when I look at myself in the mirror, I see no one, but can only tell and feel her suffering.

There were days when I hoped it will just go away when I blink or will stop when I shout. But I failed to remember, I only had a voiceless outcry. That no matter how I try to scream, no one can hear me. Or maybe, just maybe, nobody wants to listen to me.

In my consciousness, my mind creates so many different stories and starts to analyse each of them like a rabbit hole. I tried to ignore what was really happening but I was also listening to what my struggling voice was saying. I also tried to calm the storm but I missed to recognise the hurricane within that was more devastating. They say that sometimes, how things stand in our lives are not completely in our control but oftentimes they are also completely not out of our control – but I don’t know which one to shadow.

I have come to realise that I lost myself because I was cocooned from being fragile, repressed, incapable and easily frightened to becoming a glorious butterfly. I had no idea I could get confronted with so many conflicting emotions at once. I also lost the opportunity to trust myself, blamed and disowned my sense of worth because I was gaslighted by those people who speak the good and the god. The human beings that never stop painting themselves too loud with the image or portrait they want people to believe and see. But that’s their truth, and not the truth. These will often make you feel that they are the righteous ones and you’re severely misconstrued yet you choose to remain silent. But someone made me realise that it’s okay to feel pensive. To take a layover and think deeply about something that makes us inadequate. But we all have the choice to remain absorbed and dwell on our own grief and vulnerability or catch the earliest take off so we can quickly mend the broken pieces within ourselves, find the missing piece and become whole. It’s also okay to miss, overshoot chances and get lost sometimes. But don’t err on the travel plan, and that is to depart to reach and land the right destination. We have to remember that every single day is a chance for a new beginning. Every morning is an opportunity to be lifted, to be different, to feel magnificent.

To turn into a glorious butterfly, we must begin through our own metamorphosis. Fly on your own. Who do you trust? The answer is simple, yourself. Fly not to escape, but to wing and soar your battles. We can always join the society on the ride of life but we have to know that we can also become the pilots of our own voyages.

I have fully left my past identity behind and started to preach self-love and positivity. Finding my own self and accepting myself, every single detail or plot of my life story. Paid attention to the littlest part of me, including the ones I’m never proud of. I began to discipline my mind to always think positively, to always see the good in every situation. I embarked on forgetting those things which are behind and landed myself to things that are ahead. I will no longer be ashamed of my poor life decisions and imperfections, even my days of nothingness. I have stopped having the first instinct of always believing the worst in me but to always embrace confidence and faith in one’s self. Easier said than done but we often overlook that the weight we need to lose is not in our bodies or excess in our baggage. Our negative thoughts are the real burden and enemy.

Start by offloading them, let go of your fears, face your demons, and come out on the other side with your authentic intention to be the change you want to see. I stood and defied my weaknesses by understanding and accepting who I am, all because I choose to believe in myself and not because of what others want to see or want me to be. It’s the time where I had to own how great I am. The world is cruel and we must know that we are not alone. Look around and also cherish the best of this world can offer. Expect that people will still underrate and vilify us but I am now prepared to take them positively because I have changed my fears and anxiety to calmness and bravery.

We all spend a lifetime connecting the cords to achieve something we will finally be proud of and feel complete. But in the end, being true to one’s self is the only thing that fills the gap. We all once wandered through the dark and misty forest of our lives to truly get to know ourselves on the deepest levels, and even if it seems like there is no way out, to accept yourself and become whole does not come with terms and conditions. We can always, at any time, grant ourselves the stamp of self-love. A complete surrender to the infinite love from above will always lift us back up. I realised that I do not need a passport of self validation or permission to be me, all I need is my own pass to the gates where I will embrace my worth with complete acceptance of the past, to move forward and be myself ultimately. And that’s the best part of the journey.

Winner of the Pens&Pages Literary Festival 2021

A message to all people surviving and going through scourges of life. It is not possible to understand absolutely all the things that happen to us, but we must not lose hope or encouragement. Dear friend, whatever you’re going through, it’s temporary, have faith!