There is intimacy from this disquieting and oppressive thoughts whenever I keep myself within the spaces of this balcony. I stare at the slightest street lights. I dismiss the minimal noise around me. I am blinded by this darkness but I feel like a little child counting the visible stars in awe. Breathing just the right amount of air as a sign of ease. And the rare cold breeze makes its way through my delicate skin. Just like the lack of warmth of normal human emotion I once felt. I am so alone so I have silently drawn the image of God in the vast sky so we can have a moment of intimate conversation.
I chose to talk to God because he’s the God that always listens. He’d never judge. He understands me. Pays attention even to the littlest interesting parts of me. He cares about me, he cares how I feel. He knows what my heart desires and deserves. He makes me feel I am worthy of every chance. And I know he is so proud of me. Even if I don’t deserve all of this because of my countless imperfections. He is the only one who will always stay right next to me. He will never abandon me. He will never permit that I’ll be separated from him. Only God makes me believe that it’s not the end of everything but a start of a beautiful something. There are hopes and promises. No matter what plagues or adversities we face upon. God is also giving. He will not let me choose only one when there’s two beautiful things. He will not let me give one up but cherish them both. Even if the other has indignity as they are both blessings. Anything from God is a blessing so we shouldn’t lose grip on one as well as the other. This gives me hope as high as the endless heavens I am gazing. It’s enough that my hopes are oftentimes high and invisible but He makes it abundant and reachable.
God has likewise sent his angels to save me. These are the people who have made so much effort to stay and always right there for me especially when life turns upside down. Days when I had no one, when I had nothing. When the world was grim and I was filled with fear. Nights when I sporadically wake up from bed gasping because I have dreamt of another sudden tragic occurrence or extreme misfortune but I have nobody to call. Those gloomy and rainy days and I began hearing loud rumbling with sudden bolt of the heavens that always leaves me shaking like a leaf. When I was feeling disturbed with uncertainty and mentally troubled about what is happening or what might happen. When I was suffocating from the inside and felt it’s the end of me.
He reminded me that there are people willing to help as long as I’m willing to accept them. Even if I’m not that person they knew I was. I only need to open my eyes and ears. People who did not pay more attention to others’ opinions but on the covenant and fellowship that we have established. So I should stop keeping things to myself and let my head be free from anguish. They’ve been patiently waiting to hear from me, patiently waiting to help me while I’m at the verge of disowning myself. That I need not to do this on my own because I have them since the beginning. I should take time to look at my surroundings. To slow down and pause for a moment, notice that there are eager people around me. Willing to stay and listen without second thoughts and skepticism, come what may. Willing to move mountains. Even willing to carry this oppressive and worrisome weight that I’ve been self-absorbing. Willing to change my fears and anxiety to calmness and bravery.
Forgive me, Father. For once, twice or maybe most of my life, I missed to pray. For many times I forgot to call your name. I’m on my knees earnestly asking you to redeem me. Even if I am not worthy to receive you. I’m sorry as I’ve been so detached and distrustful to your promises because I was affected by my own grievances. I was eaten and weakened by my worries and fears. I have ignored people who have been so determined to listen and endure something difficult for me. Yet I was so unwilling to discern and be persuaded. I want to reconcile and make amends for my lack of consideration and transgressions. I will make sure to give you and your angels the greatest concern in return. I will open my doors to chances I didn’t embrace and will make our relationships better. I will reach out and start apologising for being too guarded and too frightened of those favourable consequences. I will have nothing but pure and enduring faith in your promises.
Please take my hand because I will walk with you from this day on. I will stop counting myself to be apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I will open my ears and fill my soul with your spoken words. My eyes shall be opened not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. Seek for your grace and draw myself near not through physical influence but through faith so I may receive mercy and may find grace to help in times of need. I will see your hands in all of your works and in all of those you have made in your image. Because in your mercy, you drive away my fears. In your love, you wipe away my tears.
The Untold Roaming Spirit 