God’s Time is Always Perfect

When the time is right, I the Lord will make it happen. Isaiah 60:20

It is brief but there’s so much meaning we can develop and translate in this verse. We can make our own train of thoughts or personal interpretation based on our own experiences or current circumstances. But God is telling us that His timing is never early, never late, it will always be perfect, even when our trust in it is not.

I didn’t prepare myself to write something this wee hours. As a matter of fact, never have I always planned to pen my thoughts. But as I see it, God is always and once again fueled me with wisdom and the Holy Spirit influenced me to administer the words of God through my hands. He always makes things come to pass. He knows when time is always right. And today, while I decide to calm my eyes and inner self gazing at the dark sky, doubtful yet hopeful that rain won’t fall hard again, a message remarkably made into my phone notes and found itself calling my attention through an unexpected notification. I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t even recall putting or writing the message there. God is conversing with me once again. I find this so heart-stirring and intimate. That me and God is inseparable. And I will long for more intimacy and thirst for His words even more. A short message but of great significance and high spirits. Not my time. I want God’s. But when do we know if the time is right? When do we know if God will make things happen?

While we are in a challenging time, all of us just want this to be over as soon as possible. Like a bullet out of a gun. Or we can hope that when we wake up tomorrow, everything was just an unpleasant dream. If it doesn’t happen overnight, perhaps the same point in time when I’m awakened and finally realised that I’m no longer scared and hurting. It may progress slowly but it does happen in God’s time. Things will get better but it’s not instant and it’s not a straight line. But sometimes, the last thing we would ever want to do is waiting. We lose patience and dismiss to wait in anticipation for something to happen or occur. And I have said many times how I accepted defeat and abandoned my hopes because I got tired of waiting. I was so tired of hoping and anticipating of getting an answer. Like why would I even wait when some people are too quick and easy to give up on me? I felt discouraged to deny or be denied because I had misgivings of God’s timing. For all that I didn’t get what I prayed and asked, I just rebuke that God doesn’t love or care about me. I felt like my time is never synched or coincident with God’s time. I have been hard-pressing myself of dwelling when will I get an answer or if I will even get an answer. I questioned God when will He allow me forget the past and move on with the future. If when will God stop the rain from falling so I could start running to see if that person is still waiting for me at the river crossing. I doubted God if he will allow me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I faltered God’s plans to help me overcome my negative thoughts especially fear, anxiety, resentment, and grief. But God didn’t disappoint, He didn’t fail me. Because undoubtedly, when the time is right and we trust Him, the Lord will make it happen.

Habakkuk 2:3 “For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” Just because something is not taking place, doesn’t mean it will never happen. If things have stopped, it doesn’t mean it’s the end. If they pushed you away, someday, somehow, someone will catch or lay hands on you. We tend to feel that our prayers and cries are not being heard by God because we are not seeing an immediate change in our relationships and existing conditions. We feel that our expectations are not being met. We set the bar high and we fail to see the efforts of others because we seek for sudden transformation and conversion. This oftentimes breaks our connection and covenant with God. We forget that we should always put our trust in Him. And not to fall back on our own intentions and on what other people say. Remember His way, His will, His time. God never turns his back or leaves us high and dry when times seem to stand still. He has not let us stay on a point of struggle or the possibility of not winning but rather God is staging us in the present so we may prepare ourselves for the upcoming season. Not a chance that God never hears what our hearts desire. Not in the slightest opportunity that God is not aware of our needs. Trust me, He always does. He knows and hears everything. I don’t know exactly how or when but there’s only one thing I am sure of, God always stays true to His Word. And I can give you a collection of never ending testimonies how God’s timing has always gone unfailing and perfect.

God is patient with us and in return we should be patient with Him and to others. It is always easy to compare ourselves to others why they are being noticed by God but not us. That God hears their cries but not ours. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”. God never promised that our lives on earth will be easy. He never said that our mission and journey will be unchallenging and easily done. But he reminded us that there is time and season for everything. God also teaches us to wait quietly not just to wait patiently. And oftentimes, it is even more difficult to wait quietly than to wait patiently. Even a good and loving relationship requires a degree of patience and understanding. It’s bound to not easily give up with one another. When we patiently wait for God’s promises, we will definitely get fulfilled and rewarded. When we seek Him with a quieted soul, we can hear the whispers of His goodness around us. The Lord has boldly spoken, when the time is right, I will make it happen. If you find yourself today not liking the situation you are in or where certain events in your life have taken you, I encourage you to dive into the Scriptures and let God do the talking. The only way we can trust in God’s timing is through spending more time with Him, allowing His word to shape our hearts and to bend our knees before Him.

Faith in God’s Promises

There is intimacy from this disquieting and oppressive thoughts whenever I keep myself within the spaces of this balcony. I stare at the slightest street lights. I dismiss the minimal noise around me. I am blinded by this darkness but I feel like a little child counting the visible stars in awe. Breathing just the right amount of air as a sign of ease. And the rare cold breeze makes its way through my delicate skin. Just like the lack of warmth of normal human emotion I once felt. I am so alone so I have silently drawn the image of God in the vast sky so we can have a moment of intimate conversation.

I chose to talk to God because he’s the God that always listens. He’d never judge. He understands me. Pays attention even to the littlest interesting parts of me. He cares about me, he cares how I feel. He knows what my heart desires and deserves. He makes me feel I am worthy of every chance. And I know he is so proud of me. Even if I don’t deserve all of this because of my countless imperfections. He is the only one who will always stay right next to me. He will never abandon me. He will never permit that I’ll be separated from him. Only God makes me believe that it’s not the end of everything but a start of a beautiful something. There are hopes and promises. No matter what plagues or adversities we face upon. God is also giving. He will not let me choose only one when there’s two beautiful things. He will not let me give one up but cherish them both. Even if the other has indignity as they are both blessings. Anything from God is a blessing so we shouldn’t lose grip on one as well as the other. This gives me hope as high as the endless heavens I am gazing. It’s enough that my hopes are oftentimes high and invisible but He makes it abundant and reachable.

God has likewise sent his angels to save me. These are the people who have made so much effort to stay and always right there for me especially when life turns upside down. Days when I had no one, when I had nothing. When the world was grim and I was filled with fear. Nights when I sporadically wake up from bed gasping because I have dreamt of another sudden tragic occurrence or extreme misfortune but I have nobody to call. Those gloomy and rainy days and I began hearing loud rumbling with sudden bolt of the heavens that always leaves me shaking like a leaf. When I was feeling disturbed with uncertainty and mentally troubled about what is happening or what might happen. When I was suffocating from the inside and felt it’s the end of me.

He reminded me that there are people willing to help as long as I’m willing to accept them. Even if I’m not that person they knew I was. I only need to open my eyes and ears. People who did not pay more attention to others’ opinions but on the covenant and fellowship that we have established. So I should stop keeping things to myself and let my head be free from anguish. They’ve been patiently waiting to hear from me, patiently waiting to help me while I’m at the verge of disowning myself. That I need not to do this on my own because I have them since the beginning. I should take time to look at my surroundings. To slow down and pause for a moment, notice that there are eager people around me. Willing to stay and listen without second thoughts and skepticism, come what may. Willing to move mountains. Even willing to carry this oppressive and worrisome weight that I’ve been self-absorbing. Willing to change my fears and anxiety to calmness and bravery.

Forgive me, Father. For once, twice or maybe most of my life, I missed to pray. For many times I forgot to call your name. I’m on my knees earnestly asking you to redeem me. Even if I am not worthy to receive you. I’m sorry as I’ve been so detached and distrustful to your promises because I was affected by my own grievances. I was eaten and weakened by my worries and fears. I have ignored people who have been so determined to listen and endure something difficult for me. Yet I was so unwilling to discern and be persuaded. I want to reconcile and make amends for my lack of consideration and transgressions. I will make sure to give you and your angels the greatest concern in return. I will open my doors to chances I didn’t embrace and will make our relationships better. I will reach out and start apologising for being too guarded and too frightened of those favourable consequences. I will have nothing but pure and enduring faith in your promises.

Please take my hand because I will walk with you from this day on. I will stop counting myself to be apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I will open my ears and fill my soul with your spoken words. My eyes shall be opened not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. Seek for your grace and draw myself near not through physical influence but through faith so I may receive mercy and may find grace to help in times of need. I will see your hands in all of your works and in all of those you have made in your image. Because in your mercy, you drive away my fears. In your love, you wipe away my tears.

Five Lies and One Truth

I had series of thoughts while asleep. Different stories, unexpected semblance of familiar faces, some were comical, a lot were strange, least unimaginable. I tend to forget most of them but I can recoup some. And last night, I caught another dream. It was about myself and it was vivid. That was me trying to comfort my self-duplication, in tears and hugging myself while I cry. I don’t know why. Someone said to me, if you can still remember you dream, it wasn’t a dream, it’s a message. And I felt that.

In my consciousness, my mind has created so many different stories and I started analysing each of them like a rabbit hole. I also remembered the last dream I had. I wish I didn’t. I got obsessed with my space and alone time lately. My senses has sent me to a corner to stumble on what was going on. I’m sitting with this ocean of thoughts. Four ocean of thoughts, or maybe five. I’m staring on a cloud of wilderness and whispering to a voiceless outcry. Nobody can hear me, no one understands me, nobody can rescue me. Or nobody just really wants to listen to me. People care less. I’m not breathing but I can feel the muscles of my heart thriving. I’m talking to my senses and thinking of a quiet utterance. The only time I can cast bravery is during my creative ability. Or when I sing my favourite lines of a song, “I wanna sing, I wanna shout, I wanna scream ‘til the words dry out. So put it in all of the papers. I’m not afraid. So you can read all about it.” I sang in my own adaptation.

Have you ever been to days where nothing’s really wrong but nothing feels right either? Just like a tendency on excessive or irrational suspiciousness toward something or someone. At the time I had the fear of the unknown, it’s now becoming cloudless. There’s the fear of being judged as someone who’s shallow or pessimistic. That’s a lot to take. Now the situation we’re going through has given me the chance to entertain not just what’s happening on the outside world but also what has eaten me from the inside. Being locked up, being alone, being hopeless when I needed someone I can run to when the world is wicked and unsafe. I just fell off my knees. I was incapable of my own redemption. It was a moment of noticing or maybe second-guessing and denying. I must’ve taken everything lightly, too dependable and obliging, ignored the signs and left my whole self out. But how did I get here? And why was I sobbing and comforting myself at the same time? I don’t know.

So I stood but lost my balance. Just like a tree fighting the winds to stay upright. Another brief episode of fear with no apparent reason that also happened in the bathroom days ago. I lost control and I became lethargic. I was trying to talk to myself. I became unaware what was happening but I’m trying to listen to what my struggling voice was saying. There was an identifiable triggering stimulus accompanied by a sense of impending blackout that’s slowly wiping my consciousness. My hands are cold, my bright outer shell has turned pale. It was a moment when my whole body was weak and slumping. I lost recognition and I knew it was not because my blood supply in my brain was insufficient. I heard the voice I used to hear. I’m essentially beginning to suffocate from within.

Some people may be going through a lot but going through it. I’m not there yet, neither. Right now, I have one thing I am sure of. During these hard times, my parents’ prayers is saving me while I have been so busy praying for others. The weight we oftentimes want to lose isn’t in our bodies. The numbers we see are far less from the tons of heavy burdens that we carry. We deal with so many things through this rough times. We deal with them during the most unexpected days. You may not even know which one to deny, defy or ignore first. We try to calm the storm but we often miss to calm the hurricane within. The storm passes but the gloom stays. If you don’t strive and pray to overcome them, you become more powerless. It gets from your weakening feet through to your repressing head.

The world is sick and so do I, literally and figuratively. That’s the irony. In my absolute best, I always allow myself to give in. Just like when I feel unvalued and worthless. I’m not bleeding but my blood is self-destructing. I am not certain if this can get worse or it will get better. My boat could be sinking but I’m pretending that the winds are not blowing and there’s solace around me. I’m terrified, however, that I might utter something that would cause scare so I’ll spend my life stuck in silence. I will just battle between what I know and what I am feeling.

I am not winning. I am fighting a losing battle in isolation. And I did not know what I was made of until I passed out.

I can’t help fight and save the world because I failed to save myself.