The Troubled Hands in my Feeble Hands

I have made choices and decisions I’m not proud of. I have lost tiny of self-love and cared too much of every circumstances rather than what’s white-headed. I ripped myself to keep others whole. I gave everything and left nothing but self pity. I denied and mistrusted what other people are willing to renounce for my own sake of unworthy self-sacrifice. I can’t go back. I have lived to this ideal of what someone should be and push them away when they turn out to be something different. But the truth is, no one could ever live up to that ideal. I have said this to myself many times. My heart is sympathetic and soft. I forgive with a free hand and without reservation. Even those who have shattered me, intentionally or unintentionally. Including those who have done it numerous times, I bury the hatchet and feel no resentment towards them. My doors are never closed. Without pretence, I welcome people back in my life and fix what’s broken even the things that are beyond repair. In all honesty, my best-loved declaration of faith from someone else’s tongue is when I hear them say, “let’s talk..” Precisely. A bit much for others, worrisome and gut wrenching for many. Some would think it’s good for nothing. But for me, this is a compelling appeal, quintessential and bread and butter to secure amity and sometimes, reconciliation.

Very recently, I have this missing a puzzle piece. Which I knew I can always complete easily or fix unmistakably. Questions came out of my troubled mind. Now that the rain has finally fallen, am I now in control of the possibilities and outcomes that constitute of being free from any afflictions, empty promises and letdowns? Could this be a time to give myself of a very worthy chance from the things I have previously neglected my self with? A chance to grasp every moment with butterflies and heartbeat and not with fear or anticipation of failure? To voluntarily embrace a new fate and a situation favouring a purpose for myself and not only for others? To unguard the door I have been keeping closed from someone’s right of entry?

I unexpectedly heard a knock at the door. The door that I have always kept locked, where no one is capable of infiltrating but me. Built with the highest walls to protect myself from any unwarranted entry of this hostile territory. I stood closely and strangely felt the same distinctive atmosphere I had 4 or 5 years ago. I was scared to unlock it but my hands were hopeful, but at the same time, rebellious and has given up to a resisting control. There was this light, gentle wind that draws into my face but my eyes were blinded by an earnest gaze. It was a rare but troubled sight. The anonymity began to subside but we both didn’t know when and how to begin.

The moment of deliberation came when you said ‘’hi” and it sounded very lowly and uncomplicated. My mind cruises with doubts and questions, bubbles of confusion but I started to become wordless and lip-tied. Deep down inside, there was one question I wanted to ask. Just one question. If you remember the last time I asked you to wipe your hands after you shut the same door you are about to set foot in. That didn’t happen. Because you also became voiceless and standstill but you immediately wanted to show me your hands after you read my mind. The bloody hands that used to wrap me in my defense but with strong inward desire. The hands that pulled me without deterrence. The hands that stained me.

I still can’t say anything but I knew that this was something familiar but you said it’s totally not the same this time. You asked me nothing but to trust you. But you know that trust for me is like a beautifully-knit sweater. Pull one loose thread and the entire sweater is likely to untangle, rapidly. And it’s difficult to put the threads back.

I was in disarray but a quick vivid recurrence in my mind of a past event came. The day when I had to choose between what was easy and what was right. And I was left to choose with what was right. It was hard and heavy. I had to start learning and choosing to love the sea where I could reel freely and without being rescued instead of choosing to flee in a field of weeds. I had to stop breathing the same air you breathe. It was devastating. It’s my fault. I put myself on that situation when I should have not. The air that was too shallow, enough to suffocate and desolate me. I had to step away from the same surfaces you move in. I made a choice to settle on what was right. But it’s destroying me.

I have put everything down to experience but today, your eyes are suddenly begging me to choose what is easy. That your hands will be in between mine and will no longer have to be concealed for protection but will now be free from judgments and convicting eyes. You wanted to show me that the sky is now boundless, clear and untroubled. Enough for me enjoy a freedom that is not subject to the control and domination of others. Enough for me to know that I will no longer be a seed of weed but a seed that will be sowed with hopes and wishes. I should know that you’re trying to play with me and get into my head again. I’m taken by surprise when you said you do really know me. But you don’t really know everything about me. I know myself more than you know me. You call me a teller of lies. Yes, that’s true. I can’t deny. Doors may be open and I could let someone in but my doubts and apprehensions of accepting a soul to stay with me for the rest of my life is still with me inside without fail. I have lied to myself. And I’m sorry for being dishonest to other people too. The fear is contained in me that even if I say it’s time, I guess I just love the idea of it.

My hands were like acids, ionising only slightly in solution of your enduring cold, sweaty palms. Mine was shaky, yours were steady. I am scared that you will slowly make me cling onto something that will be hard again for me to let go. But how can I be so sure that it’s not the same hands that stained me? How can I trust that these are the hands that will no longer let my feeble hands cusp and blow the dandelion I have nurtured? What are the chances that the blemishes in my hands will not be replaced with blood? I’m in big trouble. I’m crying for help from the inside. I’m drowning. Can somebody please save me? Again, I’m sorry, I lied to myself. They are all tired. Story of my life.

I guess that’s the horror of it. I’m always attracted to things that are uncertain and cloudy. And when I cry for help, no one will ever listen. I give everything I have. I am always left with nothing. I’m not complaining, I’m okay with that. No matter how I have always painted my door in white. Even if I have always covered and guarded my hands from cuts and debauches. My hands are frail but can become submissive. Or maybe my hands are also bloody but I was just trying to conceal it. But you said it’s going to be washed and cleaned by your untroubled hands this time. And you withstand any scrutiny and only want my acceptance, willing to wait, willing to go wherever I decide. That you are now bringing yourself back to an uncomplicated life. I wish all people have this frame of thinking. But what if what’s ahead of me is even more terrifying than what I have been through?

The door is open but I am standing right in front of you. My hands are feeble and my mind can easily command and control these hands to push the button. Yes, it’s just one button away to open or ultimately close my guarded door to you. Long ago, I chose what was right. And then I chose what was easy. But can I choose both now? I hope I just love the idea about you. But beyond everything, if people can’t hear me, I hope I can hear myself and save my own from someone who keeps breaking into my breathing space. Otherwise, this chaos remains. I’m not gonna find my way out of this unending maze.

God’s Time is Always Perfect

When the time is right, I the Lord will make it happen. Isaiah 60:20

It is brief but there’s so much meaning we can develop and translate in this verse. We can make our own train of thoughts or personal interpretation based on our own experiences or current circumstances. But God is telling us that His timing is never early, never late, it will always be perfect, even when our trust in it is not.

I didn’t prepare myself to write something this wee hours. As a matter of fact, never have I always planned to pen my thoughts. But as I see it, God is always and once again fueled me with wisdom and the Holy Spirit influenced me to administer the words of God through my hands. He always makes things come to pass. He knows when time is always right. And today, while I decide to calm my eyes and inner self gazing at the dark sky, doubtful yet hopeful that rain won’t fall hard again, a message remarkably made into my phone notes and found itself calling my attention through an unexpected notification. I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t even recall putting or writing the message there. God is conversing with me once again. I find this so heart-stirring and intimate. That me and God is inseparable. And I will long for more intimacy and thirst for His words even more. A short message but of great significance and high spirits. Not my time. I want God’s. But when do we know if the time is right? When do we know if God will make things happen?

While we are in a challenging time, all of us just want this to be over as soon as possible. Like a bullet out of a gun. Or we can hope that when we wake up tomorrow, everything was just an unpleasant dream. If it doesn’t happen overnight, perhaps the same point in time when I’m awakened and finally realised that I’m no longer scared and hurting. It may progress slowly but it does happen in God’s time. Things will get better but it’s not instant and it’s not a straight line. But sometimes, the last thing we would ever want to do is waiting. We lose patience and dismiss to wait in anticipation for something to happen or occur. And I have said many times how I accepted defeat and abandoned my hopes because I got tired of waiting. I was so tired of hoping and anticipating of getting an answer. Like why would I even wait when some people are too quick and easy to give up on me? I felt discouraged to deny or be denied because I had misgivings of God’s timing. For all that I didn’t get what I prayed and asked, I just rebuke that God doesn’t love or care about me. I felt like my time is never synched or coincident with God’s time. I have been hard-pressing myself of dwelling when will I get an answer or if I will even get an answer. I questioned God when will He allow me forget the past and move on with the future. If when will God stop the rain from falling so I could start running to see if that person is still waiting for me at the river crossing. I doubted God if he will allow me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I faltered God’s plans to help me overcome my negative thoughts especially fear, anxiety, resentment, and grief. But God didn’t disappoint, He didn’t fail me. Because undoubtedly, when the time is right and we trust Him, the Lord will make it happen.

Habakkuk 2:3 “For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” Just because something is not taking place, doesn’t mean it will never happen. If things have stopped, it doesn’t mean it’s the end. If they pushed you away, someday, somehow, someone will catch or lay hands on you. We tend to feel that our prayers and cries are not being heard by God because we are not seeing an immediate change in our relationships and existing conditions. We feel that our expectations are not being met. We set the bar high and we fail to see the efforts of others because we seek for sudden transformation and conversion. This oftentimes breaks our connection and covenant with God. We forget that we should always put our trust in Him. And not to fall back on our own intentions and on what other people say. Remember His way, His will, His time. God never turns his back or leaves us high and dry when times seem to stand still. He has not let us stay on a point of struggle or the possibility of not winning but rather God is staging us in the present so we may prepare ourselves for the upcoming season. Not a chance that God never hears what our hearts desire. Not in the slightest opportunity that God is not aware of our needs. Trust me, He always does. He knows and hears everything. I don’t know exactly how or when but there’s only one thing I am sure of, God always stays true to His Word. And I can give you a collection of never ending testimonies how God’s timing has always gone unfailing and perfect.

God is patient with us and in return we should be patient with Him and to others. It is always easy to compare ourselves to others why they are being noticed by God but not us. That God hears their cries but not ours. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”. God never promised that our lives on earth will be easy. He never said that our mission and journey will be unchallenging and easily done. But he reminded us that there is time and season for everything. God also teaches us to wait quietly not just to wait patiently. And oftentimes, it is even more difficult to wait quietly than to wait patiently. Even a good and loving relationship requires a degree of patience and understanding. It’s bound to not easily give up with one another. When we patiently wait for God’s promises, we will definitely get fulfilled and rewarded. When we seek Him with a quieted soul, we can hear the whispers of His goodness around us. The Lord has boldly spoken, when the time is right, I will make it happen. If you find yourself today not liking the situation you are in or where certain events in your life have taken you, I encourage you to dive into the Scriptures and let God do the talking. The only way we can trust in God’s timing is through spending more time with Him, allowing His word to shape our hearts and to bend our knees before Him.

Fear Not, God is With Us

I’ve just lost another battle. I became another person who’s strength came up short, frightened and started to feel worthless. Presumably the way I live my life inevitably. Even the strongest people aren’t immune to fears and anxieties. It may be typical to occasionally have intrusive thoughts especially in these trying times. Or when you’re trapped in a situation you would least want to happen and you stop breathing for a short while. Times when the world is not even confident of what lies ahead. So much disturbances and crises happening – pandemic, natural disasters, racism and violence, crimes, terrorism, economic uncertainties, unemployment, conflicts and misunderstandings, divisions, death. We made a cruel world. There’s now too little kindness. Too little caring. Too much hate, anger, hurt and fear. A shedload of second thoughts. We fear for our safety, we fear for our future, our children’s future, fear for our families, fear for our financial stability, we even fear of what other people think, we fear of being judged and misunderstood, we fear for tomorrow. And the list goes on.

The likelihood of worrying of something that has not happened and spending so much time assuming or thinking about highs and lows, ifs and buts, habitual skepticism and fear of the unknown is the real enemy. It’s the most popular weapon of the demon. We even see the tests and trials differently as God’s punitive measures. But how many times did we easily worry and abandon our faith on his promises and give up on God’s favours? How hard is it to stay fearless and fight for the things and even the people we care about? Have we forgotten that God puts and shapes his servants through trials? We have always wanted our lives to glorify God but there is something we have missed. When God used people to show his power, did he use comfort or trials? The answer is trials—God’s most used tool. And so why do we become so worried and troubled to face and conquer the trials. Why do we even choose to endure them on our own? We should believe that we must never question God’s plans. But we have forgotten that we can always pray and ask for God’s support, guidance and most of all, forgiveness. He can come in between and keep the chain firm and impenetrable. But oftentimes, we give up just like that. We stop and quit holding onto God’s blessings. If we want to be used by God for his glory, we must be prepared for trials. I have to admit, there have been times I was attacked by the dickens. When I feel all alone for the most part. I became frail and easily damaged. The prince of darkness has won against my silent outcry of God’s presence. I should have known myself better. I should have committed to his plans and will. I should have trusted what God can do. I should have been unfailing that with faith, not only does God not want me to worry, but He wants me to put my worries onto Him to deal with. He will take that burden away from me. No earthly troubles can hurt me because God is always with me.

Isaiah has reminded me that we might feel afraid, but we must believe that God is with us – 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. We may not be in control, but we can trust the One who is. – 14:24 “The Lord of hosts has sworn: “As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand.” We may not know what the future brings, but we can know the God who does. – 45:7 “I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things.”

In times that we feel afraid, some turn to music, recreation or books as sources of inclination to escape from routine or emotional difficulties but let us not forget that we can always turn to God and the Scripture. In fact, if we put in our hearts and mind that we can always depend on God whenever we’re attacked by the enemy, we are winning. It’s an instant triumph over the attacker. Let’s focus on the positive things around us. Let’s listen to positive thoughts and not with the whisper of the demons. Let’s look forward to better days that’s coming. Let’s keep the faith in God’s promises. Pray out loud. There’s nothing prayer can deliver. There’s nothing more powerful than the Scripture. There is power through them because they are God’s words. His words are forever and permanent, it will withstand the test of time. It will calm our spirits. It will cleanse, nourish and guide us through our days. God is here to remind us that we are never alone, and that anxiety will not last forever. Anxiety and fear will never win against Him. 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” For as much as we worry, we’re not actually built for it. God wants us to love ourselves and fear not.

My Journey to the Living Word of God

Many times in our lives, we throw the towel in or just pour cold waters on the things that are not working out as planned. We face heaps of hopelessness and impatience one after the other. There are unshakable peaks and valleys. We see no light at the end of the tunnel. So we end up losing faith. The same story when I started to read the Bible. I fervently tried but I didn’t know where and how to begin so I almost closed the door prematurely. Nearly but not entirely. I was at the brink of halting the doorway without even contemplating that I’m shutting down God who was humbly knocking His way to my heart. Manna from heaven, I didn’t find compelling reasons to give up, thus my journey isn’t over yet. I received the unrestricted freedom from doubting myself and to believe in God’s purpose.

This is similar when we fail to keep in mind that God is only working on so many diversions when we appeal something to him. But it’s not an avoidance or abandonment, He’s enabling us to remain hopeful, to branch out and grow. It’s the works of God. In John 13:7 Jesus replied, “You do not realise now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” In reality, things are just happening behind the scenes but we selectively refuse to trust his timing and process. That’s God’s plot twist. Even though everything seems like it’s falling apart, it is actually falling into place. Yet we fail to remain forbearing and we lose ourselves on the right direction and slip away. We deny to see that we can get past through this. I have been there for the most parts of my life. I was too busy worrying about nothing.

This is the story behind my love-hate relationship with the Bible. To clear my conscience, I do not or did not hate the Bible. I hated myself. In my attempt to start reading the Scripture, I can sometimes be so familiar with the words on the page that I read, but I didn’t really understand 8 out of 10 parts of it, truth be told. Forgive me, Father for being weak-minded on this matter. I immediately felt a disappointing and frustrating beginning. I thought I will never be optimistic. I could read it but it will never make sense. I will not get the message. But let me try to add a bit of faith on my self potential. For there was one thing I wasn’t doubtful – the Gospels Matthew, Mark, Luke and John focus on the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. Right? They all have unique emphasis and concentration on the life of Jesus. If I was right, I am owing someone a debt of gratitude for giving and keeping this ideology back in my school days. At the very least, becoming familiar with some parts of the Bible gives me the building blocks to know him in a deeper way.

I also learned that the Bible teaches us to know God and His will for our lives. However, there is a huge difference between knowing about God and personally knowing God. Everyone knows God. And I am one of those who’s personally longing to know more about God. The challenge was, the Bible is not like any other books I have read. Reading the Bible isn’t necessarily meant to be read from front to back. From book of Genesis to the book of Revelation. When you get right down to it, the Bible is real life library. An open space in a peaceful world. Many of the books or parts of the Bible are written in a variety of different genres or types of literature like poetry, prophecy or historical narrative. I have come to learn that trying to read straight through without a careful plan can become so frustrating and intimidating because I didn’t know how these books and their literary genres work together.

One verse of Jeremiah was my revelation and eye opener of deeply knowing the Bible. Jeremiah 29:11 has reminded me of God’s precious promise, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. There is no better way to show our trust in God than to believe that He is control of everything and moreover, He has good things in store. Be still and know that you have God. But we must learn that this verse should not be taken completely out of context. Perhaps one of the most loved verses, yet the most misunderstood and misapplied in the entire Scripture. Fundamentally, one reason why I felt that the Bible can sometimes become quite complicated and overwhelming. The verse is not meant as a blanket promise of worldly blessing. It is a perfect example of a prophecy where we first need to understand who God is talking to. As I try to learn and fully get the picture of what the scripture says, I am comforted that this passage is not directed to me alone – it’s for the entire nation.

In Psalm 119:11 “I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” Presumably a good proclamation how my journey began to ignite. Even if my heart has been wounded and afflicted in so many ways, I will forever treasure God’s words in this chamber that’s made to last. Bear in mind that knowing God’s word is not just for the sake of doing it. The living word is active in the lives of those who receive it. But be doers of the word, and not hearers only. If we keep the Word of God in our hearts, we build a safekeeping vault of powerful weapons to defend against temptations, the flesh and the world. I understand that it takes time and prayerful attention to observe correct biblical interpretation and application. And I know my journey has just started so I always ask and pray to God to teach and guide me so that I will become even more faithful in following Him. It’s a long way to go. I know I am still making my way through the Scripture. But here and now, I’m glad that I didn’t close doors and I kept it open so that others can come with me too. I’m grateful I remained thirsty, patient and willing to discover the grace, salvation, and wisdom that only come from immersing myself in God’s Word. This journey is by far the best journeys I have chosen to take. Please make it yours too.

Matthew 4:4 “For man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds out through the mouth of God.”

When This is Over

When this is over, I will welcome all your invites to everywhere. I will replace all those I’m too busy to I’m ready. I’ve wasted so many days that could have been better because my mind was too ambivalent and I was scared to be misunderstood. I would like to make an apology if I have made unwarranted alibis. I didn’t know I have been selectively narrowing my attention to the wrong purpose and have ignored the chances that are worthy of a lifetime and good memories. You described how golden the sunrises and sunsets were but I deliberately pretended I didn’t hear nor appreciate it. You have been so nice and bearing but I was too guarded with possibilities.

When this is over, I will stop looking for signs that only turns my way to the left. I will now let you take my hands and we will drift to roads that will make everything right. We will taste and discover the world and fill our photo galleries with best memories. I will make all your days worth remembering and start your mornings by giving you the best sight, the same way you glance at my timid eyes. Your eyes that are full of hopes and desires of unending bliss. Please allow my hands to disturb your gentle and fine face, let it swerve toward mine. I will not whisper a single word but I promise that my glimpse alone will give you the assurance that I’m going with you this time. Together we will receive God’s grace. I will give the smile that you’ve been dying to receive. I will wrap my arms around you with no signs of doubt or pretense anywhere we leap.

When this is over, I will let you know everything about me. I will openly endure every single detail of my life story. Even the ones that I’m never proud of. I will share my youth days and my silly stories that will make you compare and remember your childhood memories. I will not be ashamed to tell you my poor life decisions, my worthlessness and my imperfections. I will still let you judge me and I promise to take everything positively. You will hear my insanities and foolishness and I wouldn’t mind if you laugh about it. I will start to unveil everything without feeling uptight if I will finish my tell-all-tales. I will by all means end every stories with a sigh of relief.

When this is over, I will start changing my life and will bring so much colour and radiance to yours. I was cocooned from being insignificant and easily frightened to becoming a glorious butterfly. But in order to turn to a butterfly, I will first endure becoming a caterpillar who shall fall apart, degenerate down to its very incarnation, fades to any shape and literary dies. Like there’s nothing left to it. And from this natural essence, this butterfly gradually starts to form itself together. In order to change my life, I need to change myself and I will transform through metamorphosis. In spiritual essence, I will be born again. Born of water and spirit. Not of perishable seed but imperishable, through the living and abiding words of God. I will be buried, therefore, with him by baptism into death just as Christ was raised from the dead, by the glory of the Father. And we too will walk in newness of life. I will surrender myself to the cocoon of darkness and disintegrate until nothing’s left. For there is no resurrection unless I die. For the wages of my sin is death, but the free gift of my God is eternal existence. I will bring myself back to life then I will find you. I will go and will fly freely this time with you.

When this is over, I hope you’re still there to embrace me, willing to accept me. We shall wander like days will never be over. I will now go wherever your heart prays. I promise, to you, I surrender.

Five Lies and One Truth

I had series of thoughts while asleep. Different stories, unexpected semblance of familiar faces, some were comical, a lot were strange, least unimaginable. I tend to forget most of them but I can recoup some. And last night, I caught another dream. It was about myself and it was vivid. That was me trying to comfort my self-duplication, in tears and hugging myself while I cry. I don’t know why. Someone said to me, if you can still remember you dream, it wasn’t a dream, it’s a message. And I felt that.

In my consciousness, my mind has created so many different stories and I started analysing each of them like a rabbit hole. I also remembered the last dream I had. I wish I didn’t. I got obsessed with my space and alone time lately. My senses has sent me to a corner to stumble on what was going on. I’m sitting with this ocean of thoughts. Four ocean of thoughts, or maybe five. I’m staring on a cloud of wilderness and whispering to a voiceless outcry. Nobody can hear me, no one understands me, nobody can rescue me. Or nobody just really wants to listen to me. People care less. I’m not breathing but I can feel the muscles of my heart thriving. I’m talking to my senses and thinking of a quiet utterance. The only time I can cast bravery is during my creative ability. Or when I sing my favourite lines of a song, “I wanna sing, I wanna shout, I wanna scream ‘til the words dry out. So put it in all of the papers. I’m not afraid. So you can read all about it.” I sang in my own adaptation.

Have you ever been to days where nothing’s really wrong but nothing feels right either? Just like a tendency on excessive or irrational suspiciousness toward something or someone. At the time I had the fear of the unknown, it’s now becoming cloudless. There’s the fear of being judged as someone who’s shallow or pessimistic. That’s a lot to take. Now the situation we’re going through has given me the chance to entertain not just what’s happening on the outside world but also what has eaten me from the inside. Being locked up, being alone, being hopeless when I needed someone I can run to when the world is wicked and unsafe. I just fell off my knees. I was incapable of my own redemption. It was a moment of noticing or maybe second-guessing and denying. I must’ve taken everything lightly, too dependable and obliging, ignored the signs and left my whole self out. But how did I get here? And why was I sobbing and comforting myself at the same time? I don’t know.

So I stood but lost my balance. Just like a tree fighting the winds to stay upright. Another brief episode of fear with no apparent reason that also happened in the bathroom days ago. I lost control and I became lethargic. I was trying to talk to myself. I became unaware what was happening but I’m trying to listen to what my struggling voice was saying. There was an identifiable triggering stimulus accompanied by a sense of impending blackout that’s slowly wiping my consciousness. My hands are cold, my bright outer shell has turned pale. It was a moment when my whole body was weak and slumping. I lost recognition and I knew it was not because my blood supply in my brain was insufficient. I heard the voice I used to hear. I’m essentially beginning to suffocate from within.

Some people may be going through a lot but going through it. I’m not there yet, neither. Right now, I have one thing I am sure of. During these hard times, my parents’ prayers is saving me while I have been so busy praying for others. The weight we oftentimes want to lose isn’t in our bodies. The numbers we see are far less from the tons of heavy burdens that we carry. We deal with so many things through this rough times. We deal with them during the most unexpected days. You may not even know which one to deny, defy or ignore first. We try to calm the storm but we often miss to calm the hurricane within. The storm passes but the gloom stays. If you don’t strive and pray to overcome them, you become more powerless. It gets from your weakening feet through to your repressing head.

The world is sick and so do I, literally and figuratively. That’s the irony. In my absolute best, I always allow myself to give in. Just like when I feel unvalued and worthless. I’m not bleeding but my blood is self-destructing. I am not certain if this can get worse or it will get better. My boat could be sinking but I’m pretending that the winds are not blowing and there’s solace around me. I’m terrified, however, that I might utter something that would cause scare so I’ll spend my life stuck in silence. I will just battle between what I know and what I am feeling.

I am not winning. I am fighting a losing battle in isolation. And I did not know what I was made of until I passed out.

I can’t help fight and save the world because I failed to save myself.

Dandelion Through Pavements

It must be madness. The way she’s letting things devour her. The way she let things out, came in. And the horror of it, she was attracted to things that no matter how she draw and find transparency, it is never righteous and remains cloudy. She clings to it and soon makes hard for her to get unchained. That no matter how she paints her walls in white, will always appear grey.

Perhaps she’s too reserved in laying herself down in the elysian fields and desires to keep the affliction close. Close enough to tear her down. Close enough to define her and close enough to maker her feel a little less cold. Or maybe she’s too silent and scared that someone is almost scaling the wall she’s built around her. But maybe somewhere along the way she’s ready to face a beautiful chaos. Go let it burn, let her dive into the horror story because maybe it’s the chaos that will let her find where she belong.

And her mind wanders, thinking about something that happened just like 5 years ago or something that happened 24 hours ago or something that may happen 10 years from now. Her mind is like hurricane, distracted. Maybe full of beautiful yet wicked thoughts. It’s 1AM and her mind continues to wander that the hands that wrapped and held her body were bloody. Now she can’t tell if she will bleed or get stained. 

Did she ever tell you to wipe your hands after you shut the door?

It’s finally the time where she has to choose between what is easy and what is right. She’s trying and learning to love the sea from a field of weeds. A sea just where she could flee liberately, innocent and lily-white dandelion. Embracing the sharp salty smell of the air, and the vastness of the horizons bounded only by a vault of clear and untroubled sky. Enough to make her feel little but free. Enough to make her realise that she’s not a seed of weed but sowed for wishes. Tell her she should stop breathing the same air and she’s got to deal with it. Otherwise, time will come the air will get shallow and she has nothing but to stumble and fall on the vine.

Woman, listen. There’s just something I want to tell you. You are beautiful. Remain fragile and bloomy. You are distinctive and precious. Keep your petals radiant and fragrant. There will always be temporary things that are heart-stopping and these will only make you wonder why happiness never last. So cusp them in your hands and let this story end. The winds shall blow it all away.