When This is Over

When this is over, I will welcome all your invites to everywhere. I will replace all those I’m too busy to I’m ready. I’ve wasted so many days that could have been better because my mind was too ambivalent and I was scared to be misunderstood. I would like to make an apology if I have made unwarranted alibis. I didn’t know I have been selectively narrowing my attention to the wrong purpose and have ignored the chances that are worthy of a lifetime and good memories. You described how golden the sunrises and sunsets were but I deliberately pretended I didn’t hear nor appreciate it. You have been so nice and bearing but I was too guarded with possibilities.

When this is over, I will stop looking for signs that only turns my way to the left. I will now let you take my hands and we will drift to roads that will make everything right. We will taste and discover the world and fill our photo galleries with best memories. I will make all your days worth remembering and start your mornings by giving you the best sight, the same way you glance at my timid eyes. Your eyes that are full of hopes and desires of unending bliss. Please allow my hands to disturb your gentle and fine face, let it swerve toward mine. I will not whisper a single word but I promise that my glimpse alone will give you the assurance that I’m going with you this time. Together we will receive God’s grace. I will give the smile that you’ve been dying to receive. I will wrap my arms around you with no signs of doubt or pretense anywhere we leap.

When this is over, I will let you know everything about me. I will openly endure every single detail of my life story. Even the ones that I’m never proud of. I will share my youth days and my silly stories that will make you compare and remember your childhood memories. I will not be ashamed to tell you my poor life decisions, my worthlessness and my imperfections. I will still let you judge me and I promise to take everything positively. You will hear my insanities and foolishness and I wouldn’t mind if you laugh about it. I will start to unveil everything without feeling uptight if I will finish my tell-all-tales. I will by all means end every stories with a sigh of relief.

When this is over, I will start changing my life and will bring so much colour and radiance to yours. I was cocooned from being insignificant and easily frightened to becoming a glorious butterfly. But in order to turn to a butterfly, I will first endure becoming a caterpillar who shall fall apart, degenerate down to its very incarnation, fades to any shape and literary dies. Like there’s nothing left to it. And from this natural essence, this butterfly gradually starts to form itself together. In order to change my life, I need to change myself and I will transform through metamorphosis. In spiritual essence, I will be born again. Born of water and spirit. Not of perishable seed but imperishable, through the living and abiding words of God. I will be buried, therefore, with him by baptism into death just as Christ was raised from the dead, by the glory of the Father. And we too will walk in newness of life. I will surrender myself to the cocoon of darkness and disintegrate until nothing’s left. For there is no resurrection unless I die. For the wages of my sin is death, but the free gift of my God is eternal existence. I will bring myself back to life then I will find you. I will go and will fly freely this time with you.

When this is over, I hope you’re still there to embrace me, willing to accept me. We shall wander like days will never be over. I will now go wherever your heart prays. I promise, to you, I surrender.

Five Lies and One Truth

I had series of thoughts while asleep. Different stories, unexpected semblance of familiar faces, some were comical, a lot were strange, least unimaginable. I tend to forget most of them but I can recoup some. And last night, I caught another dream. It was about myself and it was vivid. That was me trying to comfort my self-duplication, in tears and hugging myself while I cry. I don’t know why. Someone said to me, if you can still remember you dream, it wasn’t a dream, it’s a message. And I felt that.

In my consciousness, my mind has created so many different stories and I started analysing each of them like a rabbit hole. I also remembered the last dream I had. I wish I didn’t. I got obsessed with my space and alone time lately. My senses has sent me to a corner to stumble on what was going on. I’m sitting with this ocean of thoughts. Four ocean of thoughts, or maybe five. I’m staring on a cloud of wilderness and whispering to a voiceless outcry. Nobody can hear me, no one understands me, nobody can rescue me. Or nobody just really wants to listen to me. People care less. I’m not breathing but I can feel the muscles of my heart thriving. I’m talking to my senses and thinking of a quiet utterance. The only time I can cast bravery is during my creative ability. Or when I sing my favourite lines of a song, “I wanna sing, I wanna shout, I wanna scream ‘til the words dry out. So put it in all of the papers. I’m not afraid. So you can read all about it.” I sang in my own adaptation.

Have you ever been to days where nothing’s really wrong but nothing feels right either? Just like a tendency on excessive or irrational suspiciousness toward something or someone. At the time I had the fear of the unknown, it’s now becoming cloudless. There’s the fear of being judged as someone who’s shallow or pessimistic. That’s a lot to take. Now the situation we’re going through has given me the chance to entertain not just what’s happening on the outside world but also what has eaten me from the inside. Being locked up, being alone, being hopeless when I needed someone I can run to when the world is wicked and unsafe. I just fell off my knees. I was incapable of my own redemption. It was a moment of noticing or maybe second-guessing and denying. I must’ve taken everything lightly, too dependable and obliging, ignored the signs and left my whole self out. But how did I get here? And why was I sobbing and comforting myself at the same time? I don’t know.

So I stood but lost my balance. Just like a tree fighting the winds to stay upright. Another brief episode of fear with no apparent reason that also happened in the bathroom days ago. I lost control and I became lethargic. I was trying to talk to myself. I became unaware what was happening but I’m trying to listen to what my struggling voice was saying. There was an identifiable triggering stimulus accompanied by a sense of impending blackout that’s slowly wiping my consciousness. My hands are cold, my bright outer shell has turned pale. It was a moment when my whole body was weak and slumping. I lost recognition and I knew it was not because my blood supply in my brain was insufficient. I heard the voice I used to hear. I’m essentially beginning to suffocate from within.

Some people may be going through a lot but going through it. I’m not there yet, neither. Right now, I have one thing I am sure of. During these hard times, my parents’ prayers is saving me while I have been so busy praying for others. The weight we oftentimes want to lose isn’t in our bodies. The numbers we see are far less from the tons of heavy burdens that we carry. We deal with so many things through this rough times. We deal with them during the most unexpected days. You may not even know which one to deny, defy or ignore first. We try to calm the storm but we often miss to calm the hurricane within. The storm passes but the gloom stays. If you don’t strive and pray to overcome them, you become more powerless. It gets from your weakening feet through to your repressing head.

The world is sick and so do I, literally and figuratively. That’s the irony. In my absolute best, I always allow myself to give in. Just like when I feel unvalued and worthless. I’m not bleeding but my blood is self-destructing. I am not certain if this can get worse or it will get better. My boat could be sinking but I’m pretending that the winds are not blowing and there’s solace around me. I’m terrified, however, that I might utter something that would cause scare so I’ll spend my life stuck in silence. I will just battle between what I know and what I am feeling.

I am not winning. I am fighting a losing battle in isolation. And I did not know what I was made of until I passed out.

I can’t help fight and save the world because I failed to save myself.

Uber Remarkable Effort: The Utter Truth About Recommending vs Staying

If I am willing to wait for you, then you must be special. But if you make things easy for me, then I choose you to be my one and the only.

This is my story about a burgeoning love affair with commuting publicly. I don’t drive my own car. But if I need to travel from one place to another, I ride on different cars, on different colours, on different car plates and car types and drivers. Sounds fancy. I am not channeling the Rich Kids of Instagram but I am a regular commuter who wouldn’t mind spending extra if I get what I want – and if I exert less effort and if you make things quick and easy for me, take my money.

Commuting can always become one of the worst parts of my day. As much as I hate it, I can’t find ways to avoid it. Getting from point A to point B in Metro Manila is not that easy and comfortable as I have ever imagined. Hail to the world of ride sharing platforms. The long and winding lines at the bus station, sandwiching passengers inside the train, the slow or stuck cab to a so-near-yet-so-far destination due to traffic is glimpse of pandemonic passenger story in corporate trousers and stilettos. Uber has become my absolute life saver. 

But why do I choose Uber if the rivals have a lot to offer? Grab, Tripid, Wunder, etc can be booked with cheaper fares, they give me rewards, promotions and riding options. Of course I thought about these. Extra $$ in my pocket is definitely a fair and reasonable excuse. But no amount of money can defy and take my Uber loyalty. I don’t mind spending extra if I can come home early. I get extra hours of sleep, extra time with my family and friends, less stress and tiredness. Who wouldn’t want these? 

So what is remarkable with Uber that lures me from choosing and staying?

Uber has set the highest level of making my life quick and easy, in all aspects. They hardly let me wait beyond 5mins. I get connected to the nearest driver and drivers don’t get to choose a destination for their own benefit. No pool mismatch and they will find the quickest route and impress me with an earlier ETA. I don’t get mini heart attacks for being a buzzer beater. Above all, if I dispute a miscalculated fare or unreasonable charge, in one tap of the app, I can effortlessly ask for a refund and get a response and resolution in no less than 5-10mins. Now that’s uber quick! 

The highest degree of a remarkable service is not just about completing my trip from-and-to my destination or Mr Uber delighting me with his hilarious stories, a warm welcome and a friendly approach, or him offering a piece of candy or asking my favourite radio station to tune in on a 5kilometer drive. Well I expect them to be as first-rate as they can because they also expect for my five star rating. 9 out 10 rides, I give 5 stars, primarily for driving me from home to work or work to home. I am a satisfied and delighted customer but that doesn’t mean I can already share to my friends or colleagues that I had a remarkable riding experience. 

In most cases, Uber reduces my riding effort, make my commuting life quick and experience their moral value ‘easiest way around’. With less effort earns my maximum loyalty and with my loyalty, it travels it’s own way of making stories to let people know my positive experiences. 

My great Uber experience has made me a true-blue loyal customer. Reducing my effort tells how likely I am going stay and my decision to make a recommendation. In real life, you will not have any proof that I am going to recommend but you will absolutely have a solid proof that I am LOYAL. I am going to continue riding with your Uber labeled cars, I will keep using your app and I will even care much about sending ideas and suggestions to make both our lives effortlessly remarkable. Continue making my life easy and I will stay and I will lock my loyalty. 

Dandelion Through Pavements

It must be madness. The way she’s letting things devour her. The way she let things out, came in. And the horror of it, she was attracted to things that no matter how she draw and find transparency, it is never righteous and remains cloudy. She clings to it and soon makes hard for her to get unchained. That no matter how she paints her walls in white, will always appear grey.

Perhaps she’s too reserved in laying herself down in the elysian fields and desires to keep the affliction close. Close enough to tear her down. Close enough to define her and close enough to maker her feel a little less cold. Or maybe she’s too silent and scared that someone is almost scaling the wall she’s built around her. But maybe somewhere along the way she’s ready to face a beautiful chaos. Go let it burn, let her dive into the horror story because maybe it’s the chaos that will let her find where she belong.

And her mind wanders, thinking about something that happened just like 5 years ago or something that happened 24 hours ago or something that may happen 10 years from now. Her mind is like hurricane, distracted. Maybe full of beautiful yet wicked thoughts. It’s 1AM and her mind continues to wander that the hands that wrapped and held her body were bloody. Now she can’t tell if she will bleed or get stained. 

Did she ever tell you to wipe your hands after you shut the door?

It’s finally the time where she has to choose between what is easy and what is right. She’s trying and learning to love the sea from a field of weeds. A sea just where she could flee liberately, innocent and lily-white dandelion. Embracing the sharp salty smell of the air, and the vastness of the horizons bounded only by a vault of clear and untroubled sky. Enough to make her feel little but free. Enough to make her realise that she’s not a seed of weed but sowed for wishes. Tell her she should stop breathing the same air and she’s got to deal with it. Otherwise, time will come the air will get shallow and she has nothing but to stumble and fall on the vine.

Woman, listen. There’s just something I want to tell you. You are beautiful. Remain fragile and bloomy. You are distinctive and precious. Keep your petals radiant and fragrant. There will always be temporary things that are heart-stopping and these will only make you wonder why happiness never last. So cusp them in your hands and let this story end. The winds shall blow it all away. 

Openness to the World

When was the last time you did something for the first time?

I came to discover that openness to the world has great contrast on how you see things in general. Spending a lot of time on your own can be one of two things – self-fulfilling or incredibly isolating.

                              Ruínas De São Paolo, Macao

December of 2014, I went on my first solo trip to Hong Kong crossing over to Macau. The sense of risk and heightened reward draws  me to traveling alone. I was not scared at all. In fact, I was too thrilled and excited. If you ask me how am I able to consume this? Mark Twain. Or maybe because it was not my first time to organise a trip. The only difference was I am flying without any companion this time but I’m putting too much courage, confidence, independence and desire in self fulfillment in my baggage.

 Airport Express Train Hong Kong

I encourage you to persuade yourself to going somewhere you’ve never been to. Try putting down the map and get wonderfully lost. Visit a restaurant, walk along the streets and smell the flavors and spices of the world, get into those hole-in-the-walls and taste something you never imagined and thought of slipping through your palate. Fancy, middling, plain or humble. Go eat like the locals. You may not know when and why you are going and how to begin. You may find an answer when you come back and realise that you have just added colors into your life and made a first time worth remembering like I did.

Following the next pages of my posts, I will detail my first solo trip – one of my most memorable and liberating expeditions. When my world started to sprout, I was able to do what I fear most. I never worried of losing anything but I have gained too much of everything. I am aware that I’m not the first person who may have experienced the same but it’s truly amazing when we hear tales about embracing what life has to offer. Who knows? Soon we may be on same pinned location or checked-in to the same restaurant or boarding together on same flight. It would be fun!

Unfold the Untold

It was the moment when I’m moved by Mark Twain’s “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.”

Then it all started with a restless roaming spirit, to take every chance and drop every fear. So with my itchy feet, on a fridgin’ weather, I decided to take an off-the-cuff walk. I found myself exchanging smiles with someone (random) I come across the busy street of Nathan Road in Hong Kong. I had no intention and direction but to walk and perhaps gone missing but ended with bliss and fulfilment.

   Jordan Road

From Yau Ma Tei to taking the weight off my feet at the Avenue of the Stars, I had a solitary moment to stuff my eyes with wonders. I was at a situation in which almost no one or nothing is so familiar. I thought it was a moment where I gained too much courage and just be a solitary wanderer on a brighter side. I could’ve hugged myself if I can.

Photo taken at Victoria Harbour (Avenue of the Stars)

I am about to unfold my journey to going somewhere, seeing everywhere and losing myself in the unknown venture. I came to realise little things may change your frame of mind or the way you see things in life. My time came to an objective of choosing memories and experiences over things. Reward yourself to something that will never fade away. Sometimes, the best part of a fulfilment is when you know you worked hard for it. You will feel it when your luggage gets light and weightless because you carried abundant courage, dream, love and passion of what you do and hope of making a remarkable and inspiring tale.

I’d like to know too, have you ever waved Hi to a stranger? Have you ever stood to an unfamiliar place and ended winning a friend after a quick chat? Have you ever thanked someone because she did a great job for cooking the kind of food you hungered for? Have you ever been lost and desperate but unexpectedly came bizarre because as you look around, all you can see are wonders of the eye and felt everything remarkably pleasing.

Halley, one of the cutest I met when I visited Disneyland HK. 

Join me in investing to life experiences. Having to meet strangers turning to friends. It enlivens you when you share and inspire with your great stories. I know it all comes down to all-i-want-is-adventure but let’s see and taste the world. We live in a world that’s full of colors. Let’s sprinkle some spices and indulge into the delicious flavors of life. These are simple things that money can’t buy that makes you richer. -iamsolivagant